Dear Abby's Alter Ego

Name Change Dilemma

2009-02-14T19:21:00.000-08:00

DEAR ABBY: I'm being married in a few weeks -- my third marriage, his first. We live together and keep our finances separate, which works for us. We intend to keep things that way after the wedding.
My problem is I want to keep my maiden name, and my fiance wants me to adopt his. Having been divorced twice, I speak from experience when I say what a pain it is to change one's name on checking accounts, credit cards, etc. I love my fiance and believe he's the man I'll grow old with, but I would like to keep my name.
Am I being selfish, or have you any thoughts as to how I can keep "me" on paper and still make my future husband happy? -- HAD IT WITH ALIASES IN NORTH CAROLINA

DEAR HAD IT: Believe me, I do sympathize with your dilemma. However, I have a question: Which is more important to you -- the hassle you'll go through one more time, or your fiance's feelings? Let the answer be your guide.

Your sentence "how do I keep "me" on paper and still make my future husband happy?" Sums it up for me........Your not going to be "me" anymore once you marry him, your going to be "us" as in husband and wife. You really might want to rethink what you are doing!

Gentle Giant

2008-12-02T19:00:00.000-08:00

DEAR ABBY: I'm 6 feet 2 inches, weigh 240 pounds and can bench-press 400 pounds. I practice martial arts and shoot firearms for recreation and competition on weekends. I generally keep my social life to myself unless I am specifically asked because people have made jokes at my expense in the past.
I have worked for the same company for 10 years, and have not only mastered every aspect of my job but also trained most of my co-workers and their supervisors.
Recently, a supervisor's position opened up, and many thought I was going to get it. A friend was hired instead. He apologized to me, then told me about things that had been said about me behind my back. Apparently, I'll never become a supervisor because "people don't respect me; they fear me." Also, they are "afraid I'll lose it and kill everyone."
I have no idea what to say or do with this information. I can't change who I am, and I can't change the way others see me after all this time. What would you suggest I do to get myself promoted? -- GENTLE GIANT IN FLORIDA

DEAR GENTLE GIANT: It is important that you find out whether what your friend told you is true. While your physique may be imposing, after 10 years at the company your co-workers should be familiar enough with your temperament to know that you do not pose a threat of "losing it."
Ask your employer why you were passed up for the promotion and if it's true that you have advanced as far as you can with the company. If the answer is yes, then you should look for a job with more opportunity for advancement elsewhere.

I don't agree with Abby's answer at all. Clearly if you have been there 10 years and your coworkers don't respect you and they fear you, it is because of something YOU are doing. My suggestion to you is that you need to reevaluate how you are treating and talking to your coworkers, whether you want to believe it or not it sounds like your being very intimidating!

The Friendships Back?

2008-10-30T20:11:00.000-07:00

DEAR ABBY: My friend, "Steven," and I have known each other 10 years. He and I have seen each other through many good times, and a few bad ones.
Most recently, Steven was in a relationship with a woman who couldn't stand the thought of his having female friends. So, for the last 18 months, the only contact I have had with him was via e-mail -- and that was very seldom.
Steven recently e-mailed me saying he had broken up with this insecure woman. He expressed how sorry he was for the limited contact, and said he would like for us to rebuild our friendship. I'm thrilled to finally have my friend back, but I also feel somewhat resentful toward him for his having discarded me.
Abby, I missed Steven. But how can I be his pal again when I am still hurt by his blatant disregard for our friendship and my feelings over the past year and a half? -- UNCERTAIN IN LONG BEACH

DEAR UNCERTAIN: The surest way to put this unhappy chapter in your relationship behind you would be to tell your friend how hurt you were, how abandoned you felt, talk it through and listen to what he has to say. Frankly, no one can blame you for feeling as you do. You were cut off through no fault of your own. And only time will tell if Steven has learned his lesson, so it won't happen again.

Come on.....he was in a possessive relationship, give the guy a break. Hopefully he learned from it, give him the benefit of the doubt and just be happy you have your friend back.

Halloween Drama Moma

2008-10-28T19:45:00.000-07:00

DEAR ABBY: Please help me. I wasn't sure how to handle an uncomfortable situation last Halloween, and your answer will help me be better prepared this year.
I took my 4-year-old daughter and 2-year-old niece trick-or-treating. We only walk up walkways that are well-lit. As we approached one house, an older gentleman was waiting at the open door, handing out candy to the kids.
Before I could process what was happening, he whipped out a camera and took a picture of my daughter and niece. I was not comfortable with it at all. But what could I have possibly done or said without being rude? Our neighborhood is a safe area, but in this day and age you can trust no one.
Do you think it was inappropriate for an older man to take pictures of someone's children? What would be the proper way to handle it this year? -- HALLOWEEN ESCORT, SAN DIEGO

DEAR ESCORT: While I admire your vigilance as a parent, if the children were wearing cute costumes, I don't think it was inappropriate for the gentleman to want to take their picture. Of course, it would have been better had this neighbor first asked permission. But since he didn't, and it made you uncomfortable, avoid his house this year and in the future.

I think you have a thing against "older gentlemen" as you kept referring to in your letter to Dear Abby. I highly doubt the old man was taking pictures to post them on the internet for sexual purposes when the kids are hidden in complete Halloween costumes! Theres nothing wrong with being cautious but you are taking it overboard!

The Man Needs Some Underwear!

2008-10-23T19:56:00.000-07:00

DEAR ABBY: I am in my 70s, on Social Security and in my second marriage. My wife, "Irene," is in her early 50s and holds a good job. She also holds the purse strings, and allows me $5 a week for coffee with my friends. I drive a little scooter, and Irene has given me a gas credit card so I can get around.
Last week, I told her that I need some underwear and asked her for her store credit card. She said she has a drawer full of nylon panties and that I should wear them instead. She said when they are worn out she will buy me some new men's underwear. She also said she didn't want to waste any money on me since the panties are still wearable.
What if someone finds out? Irene says that since I'm over 70 it doesn't matter. Do you think this is right? -- PREFERS BRIEFS

DEAR PREFERS BRIEFS: No, I do not think it is right. Regardless of your age, your feelings matter a great deal. You should wear underwear in which you feel comfortable without having to worry about anyone "finding out."
Because your wife is so tight-fisted, please consider finding a part-time job so you will have spending money of your own. Your wife may be the wage earner in the family, but that doesn't mean she should be the only one "wearing the pants."

Oh my God......are you kidding me? You were way, WAY too soft on this one, Abby! The guy is 70 years old and is only asking for some underwear! You need to stand up to your Godzilla wife and tell her you need not only more then $5 a week for coffee but $10 for a couple of pairs of underwear! Take the nylon grannie panties she is offering you and throw them in the trash and tell them they are officially WORN OUT!

Poor Me and My Ex

2008-10-10T20:47:00.000-07:00

DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Nick," and I have been married five years. Two years ago, his 18-year-old son molested my 7-year-old daughter. It tore our family apart and we are going through a divorce.
Nick is an alcoholic and an enabler. He paid all his son's bills and even sent him money when he was in jail. My problem is, I still love my husband. However, I know that under the circumstances we would always have problems.
How can I make Nick understand that the drinking and taking care of his son after what he did is what really tore us apart? And how do I move forward? -- TRYING TO MOVE FORWARD

DEAR TRYING: If you haven't been able to make your husband understand what ended the marriage by now, you may never be able to. Until he dries out, nothing will sink in because he won't be able to retain the information.
You must move forward one step at a time with the full understanding that you are doing so in order to protect your little girl from her predatory former stepbrother. No one said it would be easy, but your child is depending on you. Her welfare must come first.
Believe me, I sympathize with you. But you are doing the right thing.

Why are you worried about making him see that it was his fault? The scumbag molested your daughter. That should be all you need to know. Your never going to reason with a drunk and by trying to only lessens you as a Mother to your poor daughter that lived through this. HOw do you move forward? Stop feeling sorry for yourself and for your ex and get pissed about what he did to your daughter!

Not Another One.....

2008-09-28T21:51:00.000-07:00

DEAR ABBY: I recently married "Matt," the man of my dreams. We want to have children someday. Although I love Matt, I do not love the other men in his family -- specifically his father and his brothers. I'm worried about the negative influence they may have on our children.
These people swear and make racist comments and jokes in front of their children. Matt has spoken to them about it in front of me, but it hasn't stopped them or altered the way they act.
I'm an adult. I understand that these people haven't had the same educational opportunities and positive parental guidance that I was fortunate enough to have, but I worry about the influence they may have on our children. I don't want to ruin my husband's relationship with his family, but if they won't cut out the comments, I don't see how I can allow them to be a part of our children's lives. Please help. -- DISTRESSED NEW WIFE IN VERMONT

DEAR NEW WIFE: I don't know how tied into this family your husband is, but it may not be possible to totally separate your children from their grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins -- unless you plan to move across the country. Obviously, you married the "pick of the litter."
Please keep in mind that every family has its own standards of what is acceptable and what isn't, and yours will be no exception. You will educate your children to a higher level, and reinforce the qualities you and your husband feel are important not only by modeling good behavior for them and praising them when they emulate it, but also by pointing out what is unacceptable and telling them why. It's a more effective way to teach children their values rather than isolating them.

Oh boy.....Ok, first of all let me comment on your "I do not love the other men in his life...specifically his Father and Brothers" WHAT other men in his life does he have?? A man has his father and brothers...Ok, maybe some friends but your referring to his whole support group here. Then you go on to say "I understand that these people haven't had the same educational opportunities and positive parental guidance that I was fortunate enough to have" ..........Wow! Thats a matter of opinion, lady. Just because you have an education does NOT mean you are smarter then those who don't. You may be book smart, but in my eyes you are reality DUMB!
You don't even have these children you and your husband are supposedly going to have and your already denying them their Grandfather and Uncles. You are clearly VERY naive. You can't stop other people from doing what they are going to do or saying what they are going to say, all you can do is teach your children the difference between right and wrong. Racism and swearing is everywhere in the world today and if your too educated for real life and all the wrong in this world then your best bet is to build yourself a cave when you get pregnant and plan on spending the next 18 years of your life in it!
And I'm still trying to figure out why you put the "I'm an adult" comment in your letter.....because you clearly don't sound like it!

Still Confused

2008-09-21T20:18:00.000-07:00

DEAR ABBY: Please help my wife and me settle a dispute we have been having for the past few years. We have been married to each other twice. The first time was for six years. We divorced for three years, but eventually realized we were better off with each other and have now been happily remarried for 22 years.
When we celebrate our anniversary, we cannot agree on the number of years to celebrate. In the case of our current anniversary, do we say we're celebrating 28 years (the total number of years we've been married) or just from the last wedding date, which would be 22 years? -- STILL CONFUSED AFTER ALL THESE YEARS

DEAR STILL CONFUSED: The answer to your question depends upon whether you're a pragmatist, a romantic or a realist. If you're a pragmatist, the answer is 22 years. If you're a romantic it's 28 years. And if you're a realist you'll smile, say, "Yes, Dear," and let your wife decide.

Good answer, Abby! :-)

Damn Dogs, again

2008-09-11T19:33:00.000-07:00

DEAR ABBY: I love dogs, but they're ruining my marriage. "Ivan" and I have been together 12 years, married for five. Six years ago, he had to put his aged, sickly pointer, "Sergeant," to sleep.
Two years ago, I began suggesting that we get another dog. I felt Ivan had mourned Sergeant long enough, and it was time for another. We found a lovely King Charles spaniel that we named Lili. We spent a lot of fun time with her that spring and summer, then thought a playmate might be good company for her during the day while we were at work. We found Branford, another spaniel.
At night we'd put both dogs in the kitchen, tell them goodnight, put up a gate and go to bed. But Branford would cry. I told Ivan he'd stop eventually, but Ivan couldn't just leave him, so he began bringing the two dogs into our bedroom and allowing them to sleep at the foot of our bed. I have pleaded with Ivan to return them downstairs, but he won't consider it.
Guess where they're sleeping today? IN the bed. Guess where I'm sleeping? On the couch downstairs.
We haven't been out on a date since the dogs arrived. We don't go out with friends because we must be back by 10 p.m. -- the dogs' bedtime, and Ivan's, too, of course. He is oblivious to me from the time he goes to bed with the dogs. We haven't had sex in a year.
Everything is about the dogs. He even prepares their meals from scratch each day -- boiled chicken with rice, peas and carrots. He says: "I told you I get attached to dogs. You said you wanted them; this is what you have to deal with." I am at my breaking point. Help! -- ONLY HIS WIFE IN WILMINGTON

DEAR WIFE: I'm sorry to say this, but the dogs aren't your problem; they're only a symptom. Your husband has turned them into a buffer. When a man would rather sleep with his dogs than his wife and "forgets" about sex for a year, something is wrong with the marriage.
You need more help than anyone can give you in a letter. So start looking for a licensed marriage counselor. If your husband won't go with you, go alone. Something tells me you're going to need all the emotional support you can get, because your marriage has gone to the bowwows.

Nice cliche', Abby.
Ok, once again its the "dog people syndrome" And once again I will say I love dogs, they are loyal, loving and protective but certain people seem to think they are humans......thats where the problem comes in. They are NOT human, they are animals. And when a person starts regarding them with more worth then another human, well, this is what you get. And if that is not enough he is trying to blame you for what he is doing. If you seriously want to save your marriage I would take both dogs (crying and all) and drop them off at a relatives house for a short visit and when Ivan gets home explain to him that the dogs are gone for the night because your marriage needs MUCH attention, show him this letter you wrote and go from there. If he doesn't listen and insists on picking the dogs up then its time for you to give him a lot of time alone with his pooches......find some place to go for a while and see if his dogs' companionship means more to him. Good luck!

Pay It Forward

2008-08-29T20:03:00.000-07:00

DEAR ABBY: "Missing the Old Days in Arizona City" (May 8), the mother of a small child, wondered how parents can feel safe raising kids in a world that is "crazy and scary." I, too, worry about the state of the world today, but find comfort in my children and in the fact that I am trying to raise them to be among the "good guys."
When I was a brand-new mom, I was in an elevator with two teenage boys. When the door opened, one of the boys stated to get off first. The other boy put his arm in front of his friend and motioned for me to go ahead. I was moved by his simple gesture of thoughtfulness and good manners. I thanked him and asked him to also thank his mother for me, for doing such a wonderful job raising such a polite young man. I promised myself that day that I would raise my children (I now have three) to be like him.
Please tell "Missing the Old Days" there is good everywhere. She just needs to look for it and to always acknowledge polite gestures so her children and others can see that there is still civility in this "scary place" we call home. -- MARGIE IN RENO, NEV.

DEAR MARGIE: I like the way you think. As more people respond to each other with kindness, we create a more positive world in which to live, one good deed at a time

Enlightening letter in these days and times.......Pay it forward, friends!

Another Conspiracy? pffft!

2008-08-29T19:55:00.000-07:00

DEAR ABBY: I was taught that a performance receives a standing ovation when it is truly spectacular. When you are especially moved or inspired, you show your appreciation by standing. Abby, every show I go to now receives a standing ovation. I don't always join in. I feel it should mean something, not just be expected at the end of every show.
I'm tired of getting the "evil eye" from people standing around me because I didn't feel an ovation was warranted. Don't get me wrong, I'm still generous with my applause and take into consideration all the aspects of the show. (For example, I wouldn't expect a play featuring 5-year-olds to be held to the same standard as a Broadway show.)
Am I wrong? Should I stand with everyone else, and am I confused about the meaning of standing ovations? Or should I remain seated? -- RELUCTANT IN MADISON, WIS.

DEAR RELUCTANT: If you don't feel a performance merits a standing ovation, stay in your seat. Do not let the reaction of other audience members intimidate you. It's possible they may be related to someone in the show, or even be the producers.

It still amazes me that people have nothing better to worry about then trivial things like this......please tell me how it is hurting or affecting you if the performer gets a standing ovation????? Maybe just for once it made that performer feel good about him or herself and yet it bothers you so much you have to write Dear Abby about it, you should be ashamed of yourself, Reluctant and your answer was horrible too Abby....lets create some drama, maybe its a conspriacy! Paaallleassse!

More Pledge of Allegiance BS

2008-08-26T21:33:00.000-07:00

DEAR ABBY: Would you please tell your readers that not reciting or participating in the Pledge of Allegiance does NOT mean that someone is a "bad American"?
For religious reasons, I cannot say the Pledge. I sit quietly while it's recited, but unfortunately, others can't keep quiet about my silence. They make a scene and begin interrogating me -- especially at sporting events. Others have better manners, but still insist that I stand in "respect" -- but standing IS participating.
Abby, I have been punched, kicked, cursed at and spat upon, often in front of my children. People scream about their war records or their soldier relatives. Well, I have kin "over there," too. Please do not assume that non-participants are bad people. They might even be Canadian! -- SILENT SUPPORTER, BENSON, N.C.

DEAR SILENT SUPPORTER: Thank you for a letter that may educate those who do not understand that reciting the Pledge of Allegiance does not automatically make them more patriotic -- or better Americans -- than those who do not. Physically or verbally attacking someone because the person doesn't conform is not a sign of patriotism. It's a symptom of intolerance, and should get the guilty parties tossed out of the events.
For anyone who may not already know, Quakers do not take oaths -- even in courts of law -- nor do they salute religious symbols. The person remaining silent (and seated) when the Pledge is recited could also be a member of a religion outside the Judeo-Christian matrix, or even a member of a certain sect of Buddhism.

First of all you contradicted yourself in your letter.......you say you participate in it by standing but not reciting then you go on to say you don't even stand for it. I don't know what your religous beliefs are or where your origin is but out of respect for the Country that you are in at least stand for the Pledge of Allegiance! This topic is getting so, so old.....are we really getting this immoral?

The Upper Class

2008-08-08T20:18:00.000-07:00

DEAR ABBY: For the past week I have been remodeling my home. Workers have asked to use my bathroom, which is a problem for me as I feel it is an invasion of a personal, private space. I feel they should have a porta-potty in their vans or find a public toilet nearby.
Am I wrong? I hate saying "no," but I feel my privacy is stolen. -- PRIVACY, PLEASE, IN MONTANA

DEAR P.P.: Call your contractor and ask that a portable toilet be provided to the workers on your job. However, if that's not possible, rather than telling the people remodeling your house to find a public toilet, I'm advising you to relent. Happy workers do better work, regardless of what field they're in. And when work is being done in my home, I not only allow workers to use the "facilities," I also offer them a cold drink on a hot day. (Hint, hint.)

For some reason you feel you are above these "workers" whom just have to take a leak while remodeling your home forYOU. How do you figure letting another person use your restroom an invasion of privacy.......do you keep your checkbook in your bathroom???
Put yourself in their position (if you can) and imagine doing their tedious job, living up to your standards and and you not offering the common courtesy of using your bathroom. They are working their asses off, not only should you let them use your bathroom but you should be offering drinks and perhaps a cookie or two. It won't surprise me at all if the remodel job doesn't suit you, its people like you that can't give the hard, honest laborers the respect that they deserve.........and for you to actually type "they should have a porta potty in their van" How about you going to your job and taking a "porta potty" to your cubicle and using it....THAT is how ridiculous you sound!

Proud to Wear a Baseball Cap

2008-08-04T19:41:00.001-07:00

DEAR ABBY: What is the word on men wearing baseball caps into a fairly nice restaurant and not taking them off? I think it is rude, and ruder still for them -- and women are guilty of this too -- to dress like they just finished mowing the lawn. How do you feel about this? -- DRESSED UP IN NORTH CAROLINA

DEAR DRESSED UP: People who wear baseball caps in upscale establishments show a lack of pride in their appearance and an ignorance of good manners. In an effort to promote business, many restaurants have relaxed or done away with their dress codes.
Because there is nothing you or I can do to change it, rather than let it ruin your dining experience, you have two choices: Direct your attention only to what's going on at your own table, or patronize a restaurant that has a stricter dress code.

Get over yourself and your expensive clothes. Not all of us can afford to dress to the nines and that makes us no less of a person then you. With all the bad things in this world today, that is the best bitch you have?? And your answer, Abby.....very shallow! I can put a baseball cap on my head and take great pride in my appearance!

The Blame Game

2008-08-04T19:31:00.000-07:00

DEAR ABBY: I'm a 30-year-old woman who has battled compulsive eating and binge eating since my teens. (Yes, I still have a weight problem.) I see a counselor and am trying to find solutions that work for me.
My problem stems from well-meaning friends and family who try to send me home with leftovers when I visit them. Because I am single, they think I would like a home-cooked meal. I politely refuse these offerings, but my hosts keep insisting I take food until I give in just to avoid additional argument.
How can I convince them I can't take the offer without offending them or revealing my "problem"? -- STUFFED IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR STUFFED: It's difficult for me to believe that family and close friends are completely unaware of a problem with which you have struggled since your teens. However, if that's the case, thank these loving saboteurs and tell them you have more than enough food at home and don't want to waste anything by having more than you can use. If that doesn't deter them, offer the food to a neighbor or someone who might need or enjoy it. But under no circumstances should you bring it into your house if it will trigger a binge.

I'm pretty sure that if your 30 years old and have battled compulsive eating and binge eating since your teens it is obvious to your friends that you have a "problem" Also, might I add your problem doesn't "stem" from people offering you food. Your problem "stems" from you eating it.
Maybe you should stop blaming the people that are offering you food and start accepting the blame for shoveling the food in........your the one picking that fork up, not them. Your friends offering you left-overs is no different then you going to a restaurant and taking a doggy bag home, you can take it but its up to YOU whether you eat it or not!

Are You "Kitten" Me??

2008-07-02T20:39:00.000-07:00

DEAR ABBY: I dress my Siamese cat, "Belle," in clothes and pajamas. (Yes, they make apparel for cats.) I also push her around in a stroller. My friends think I'm crazy, but I consider Belle to be my daughter.
One time, a teenager came up to me as I was pushing Belle in her stroller and asked, "Where's the baby?" I told her that Belle was like my baby.
Is it nuts to treat a cat like a child? -- MOM OF A FUR KID IN N.Y.

DEAR "MOM": Nuts? No. A bid for attention ... perhaps.

No, your not nuts.......your a damn fruitcake!

Dads at the Bar Again

2008-07-02T20:34:00.000-07:00

DEAR ABBY: My husband of three years, "Mike," is never home. He goes to work and then hangs out with his buddies, leaving me at home with our baby and my two other children until late at night. On weekends, Mike jumps out of bed, showers and leaves -- sometimes not returning until the wee hours of the morning. He says he's "with friends."
Most of the time he doesn't bother to call, but when he does I'm usually so mad I don't answer the phone. Mike says he "needs his time." Well, what about our time as a couple and as a family? I told him I feel like I'm running a bed-and-breakfast.
My friends say they think Mike has someone else. I'm not sure. This has been going on for a year and a half, and I am tired of it. He rarely agrees to watch the baby if I have to run to the store. When he's home, all he does is play video games.
Abby, Mike is 34 years old. I am 41. He has touched me only once in the last four months. I feel rejected, lonely and miss the closeness. What should I do? -- HOME ALONE IN WEST VIRGINIA

DEAR HOME ALONE: Your husband is behaving like an adolescent who has run away from home. The cause may be another woman, anger at you, an inability to shoulder mature responsibility or a combination of the three. But you won't get to the bottom of it until you can get a handle on your emotions, stop reacting with anger, and convince him to level with you. Believe me, you have my sympathy.

Next time Mike is at the bar with his friends pack up your children and head to your Moms or a friends house....don't leave a note or a message to him, just be gone. Play it out until he "gets it" If he doesn't get it, its time for you to loose the loser and start a new life for you and your children.

12 Year Itch?

2008-07-02T20:29:00.000-07:00

DEAR ABBY: I have been married for 12 years to the most self-centered man in the world. He's an astute businessman and a good provider, but when he comes home our conversations are always about him. The moment I start talking about things I think are important, he turns on his TV or shushes me.
I have told him many times how hurtful it is. I feel lonely and unimportant when the things I care about are pushed to the side. How can I get him to stop ignoring me? -- THE SILENT PARTNER

DEAR SILENT PARTNER: If after 12 years your husband still won't listen to you, have your lawyer talk to him. That should get his attention.

You let him get away with this for 12 years, what the hell do you expect???

Dinner Party Blues

2008-07-02T20:21:00.000-07:00

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I are unsure how to deal with this, so he suggested I write to you. We have lovely dining room chairs covered with celadon green fabric. In spite of the fact that I always use cloth napkins (and placemats and tablecloths), several of our guests have left large stains on the upholstery from dropping food or from their dirty hands.
The stains are very difficult to remove when we can get them out at all, and the chairs have become unsightly. Three of our most recent dinner guests left chairs stained. One mark covered most of the seat.
These guests are not heavy drinkers. How can we get them to keep their napkins in a position to avoid this? And how do we get them to keep their soiled hands off the chairs? Judging from the condition of their napkins, they ARE using them. -- UNHAPPY HOSTESS IN FLORIDA

DEAR UNHAPPY HOSTESS: Face it: Accidents happen, and you can't order your guests to wash their hands between courses. You need to accept that a home isn't a photograph in Architectural Digest. Wear and tear are normal.
If your chairs are stained beyond repair, the time has come to re-cover them. In your case, may I suggest Naugahyde the next time around?

OMG.......get rid of your fancy cloth napkins, placemats and tablecovers, go visit the Dollar Store where they sell Bounty (they even have napkins with fancy designs on them) nobody needs placemats when they are dining at home and cover your damn chairs with vinyl. AND THEN.... Invest the rest of the money you would have spent for all this "keeping up with the Jones" table look to charity where people don't even know what a friggin placemat is!

Not Fit to be a Mother

2008-07-02T20:14:00.000-07:00

DEAR ABBY: I have been in a relationship with "Wade" for six years. The situation is this: He has gotten into trouble and can't be around children because he's a registered sex offender. I have an 11-month-old daughter by him. I want to be with Wade and work our relationship out, but if I do, I'll have to give custody of my daughter to my parents and live in my own place with him.
I'm in love with Wade, but I don't know if he loves or wants to be with me anymore despite the fact he keeps saying he wants to be with me. Am I being silly for still wanting to be with him? Your thoughts, please. -- CONFUSED AND TORN IN ILLINOIS

DEAR CONFUSED AND TORN: Wanting to be with someone you love isn't silly, but it's time for you to think maturely and realize the consequences of your decision. After six years with Wade, you are still single. You could be single forever.
When you became a mother, life stopped being all about you. Wade is a sex offender. What if you should become pregnant again? Is it fair to your parents to dump your daughter on them like an unwanted pet? What effect could it eventually have on the child? Do you fully understand that what you have in mind will isolate you from relatives and friends who have minor children?
While I can't dictate what you should do with your life, I can say you're heading in the wrong direction. Please step back and rethink this.

Are you being silly? Let me take that a notch farther...........you are an IDIOT for even considering this. Yes, you probably should give your daughter to your parents and let them raise her, your clearly not parent material, then get your stupid ass on birth control as soon as possible so you don't reproduce again! Then move in with Wade, enjoy "your" life while your poor daughter is screwed up for the rest of her life then 10 years from now after you've grown up and learned some common sense you can look back on this decision and realize it was the biggest mistake you ever made in your life.

The Young Executive

2008-06-29T20:41:00.000-07:00

DEAR ABBY: I am a young man who is having some trouble working for "the man" -- you know, the corporate culture. I have always worked for large companies, but have found that my current employer is not open to accepting new ideas or suggestions.
I feel I'm hitting a brick wall when I look at a problem and come up with a solution, but no one will take me seriously because of my youth. Any advice on how to deal with this? -- EAGER IN CUMBERLAND, MD.

DEAR EAGER: When someone is hired by a company with a strong corporate culture, that person is usually expected to conform and not shake up the status quo. I can think of few things more depressing than going every day to a job where you do not feel your input is valued. Feeling as you do, you might be wise to explore opportunities at another company -- or even a field -- that is more youth-oriented.

I don't agree with Abbys answer at all, I think people are constantly being hired to "shake up the status quo". That is what keeps companies new and interesting. Unfortunately it intimidates some co-workers and that is what your situation sounds like. You have two choices.......you can believe in yourself and your work ability and continue to give it your all until they take you seriously, or you can quit. Remember, we were all "young" at one time and if we didn't endure that fight there would be no corporate ladder to climb.

Tasteless Willard

2008-06-29T20:31:00.000-07:00

DEAR ABBY: I am a woman in my late 40s. My father and siblings all live in the same town. We have always been close and spend holidays, birthdays, etc. together, even as our families have grown.
Last year my brother's daughter married a horrible man I'll call "Willard." Willard is rude, vulgar and makes constant sexual innuendos. The rest of the family have decided to have nothing to do with my brother's family because of it. We're afraid to invite them to gatherings and holidays for fear that Willard will come with the rest.
We have talked about it with my brother and his wife. They feel that because Willard has become part of their family, he should be accepted whether we like him or not. Another problem: My brother thinks Willard is "wonderful" and says nothing when he's out of line. Is it time for us to also cut them off, or do you have any other ideas? -- TORN IN TUCSON

DEAR TORN: It is not your brother's job to muzzle his son-in-law when the man becomes offensive. Invite the family to one more gathering, and when Willard steps out of line, the person he offends should speak up. If Willard does not stop, do not invite him again.
By the way, when "children" are grown they should receive invitations of their own and not expect to "tag along" with their parents. Your brother should not be ostracized because of his son-in-law's bad behavior. However, if he chooses to estrange himself in order to "punish" you for drawing the line, the choice will be his.

In my opinion you never have to "accept" someone just because someone else thinks you should. Here's my question......If Willard is being vulgar and making constant sexual innuendos why is it that no other male person in your family has confronted him out of respect for the females he is offending? Sounds to me like you just need a real man in your family to confront dear ole Willard.

Held Hostage

2008-06-29T20:21:00.000-07:00

DEAR ABBY: My girlfriend, "Cindy," recently moved in with me. We have a history of fighting, often to exhaustion. I have been trying hard to improve my communication skills.
Something that troubles me is a tactic of hers that forces me to stay in the conversation when I need to take a break from it. Cindy literally stands in front of me when I'm trying to go outside to calm down. She will position herself in front of me without actually touching me, so I have to make physical contact in order to get out the door. Then she claims that I am abusive because of the extreme physical contact needed to get by her. If I give up and stay in the house, her verbal abuse will continue.
I feel trapped. I either endure her verbal abuse until she runs out of steam, or fall into her trap and become someone who physically abuses his girlfriend. I am twice Cindy's size, so I don't think authorities will buy my story of feeling trapped should she show them any marks I leave while trying to push through the door. What's the answer? -- HELD HOSTAGE IN MICHIGAN

DEAR HELD HOSTAGE: Recognize that you and Cindy are too combustible a combination to have a healthy relationship and end it now. And when you do, be sure to have witnesses present who can help her pack her things.

Wow Abby, what a rash answer. I think you should print this letter you wrote to Dear Abby, schedule an appointment with a counselor for you and Cindy and begin the session with presenting this letter. If you guys love each other, you both need to take responsibility for how you are handling these frequent arguments.

Love or In Love?

2008-06-16T21:53:00.000-07:00

DEAR ABBY: I have been dating a wonderful man for a year. We love each other -- no question about that -- but when I tell him I'm IN love with him, he never responds. He says he doesn't know what that means.
He asked me to explain the difference between loving someone and being in love. He says it doesn't make sense to him. Please help me explain to him what it means to be in love. I need to know that he's in love with me, not that he just loves me. -- IN LOVE IN NEW JERSEY

DEAR IN LOVE: If you have to explain to this wonderful man what it means to be in love, then I'm sorry to be the one to tell you he may not BE in love with you. While it's possible for a man or woman to "love" many people (and cats, and pizza and shiny cars), when someone is IN love, then only the object of that emotion will satisfy him or her. There is nothing unsure or doubtful about it, and no substitute will suffice.

I'd have to say open your eyes, In Love. Sounds to me like your wonderful boyfriend is stalling in the "commitment department" It really doesn't take a rocket scientist to understand what being in love is.

Whining Mom

2008-06-16T21:45:00.000-07:00

DEAR ABBY: I gave birth to my fourth child a few months ago. (My oldest is 5.) I am now being pressured by my in-laws, who live in another state, to visit. They expect me to pack up the six of us and drive three hours to a house that is not child-friendly.
I have tried to be as accommodating as possible, and have traveled as much as I could with pregnancies and newborns to deal with. I am just not up to it this time. Would it be unreasonable of me to ask for a year's reprieve?
I would gladly throw open my doors to any and all who would like to visit and see the grandchildren, but traveling has become too much for me. I just can't go anywhere at this time. Why won't people understand? Why must I be constantly burdened with the guilt of disappointing others?
Can't they see that for me, traveling is no longer a "diversion" but a cumbersome undertaking? Or am I the one being difficult? -- GUILT-RIDDEN IN MARYLAND

DEAR GUILT-RIDDEN: Sometimes people become so used to the status quo that they overlook the reality that circumstances change. The time has come for you to quit trying so hard to be a people-pleaser. Tell your in-laws they are welcome to visit at a time of their choosing, but that with the arrival of your fourth child under the age of 6, travel has become too much for you.
And please do not feel guilty for speaking up. Your husband should support you on this -- unless he is willing to do his share of the packing, the driving and entertaining the children while they are en route.

Wow, first of all.......stop your whining. You sounded like the youngest of your 4 kids you have through this whole letter. Secondly, grow a backbone. You have 4 young kids, nobody should expect you to go out of your way especially with 4 children to come visit them. Tell the In-Laws your done with the traveling, if they want to see the grandkids then come on over!

Paying Grandma

2008-06-09T21:04:00.000-07:00

DEAR ABBY: Is it ever appropriate for a grandmother to expect payment to baby-sit her grandchildren? -- TRYING TO DO THE RIGHT THING

DEAR TRYING: It depends upon the situation and how much time Grandma is devoting to taking care of the children. If the grandmother needs the money, and the amount of time she's tending to the children interferes with her ability to earn a living and provide for her retirement, then by all means she should be paid -- and at least minimum wage.

Yes. When you ask the Grandmother to do more then be a Grandma to her grandkids she should be paid. She didn't choose to have your kids and she already raised her own, that entitles her to just be "Grandma" to your children, if you expect more, then you should compensate her for that.

The Dysfunctional Family Cry....

2008-06-09T20:57:00.000-07:00

DEAR ABBY: I come from a dysfunctional family. I was never close to my brothers and sister. About 10 years ago, I became friends with a gentleman I'll call "Eric." Our relationship is platonic -- we're like siblings. We "talk" almost every day by e-mail because he now lives out of state.
When I mention to my other friends that I have a male friend, I get a funny look because they assume Eric and I are having some kind of affair. They say men and women can't be friends without something sexual going on between them. When I tell them this isn't the case, they don't buy it. What can I say or do to get them to believe me? -- TELLING THE TRUTH IN OHIO

DEAR TELLING THE TRUTH: Nothing. So stop arguing. When someone tells you that men and women can't be friends without something sexual going on, that person is telling you something about him- or herself. Obviously, as you already know, there are no hard-and-fast rules governing friendship. Sometimes people have "good chemistry" and click -- and this happens with same-sex friendships as well as those with the opposite sex.

The first question I have is how does all of this tie into the first part of your letter......"you have a dysfunctional family" You say its your friends saying your involved with this "man friend" of yours.....so why begin with you have a dysfunctional family? Everyone has a dysfunctional family, get over it, I'm sure your "friends" aren't as worried about this as you are!

Autistic Niece

2008-06-09T20:52:00.000-07:00

DEAR ABBY: I have a beautiful 3-year-old niece I'll call "Serena." She is my brother "Simon's" daughter. Serena is mildly autistic but has made amazing progress. We're optimistic that she'll be indistinguishable in a few years.
The problem is, Simon is adamant that he does not want our parents to know about Serena's condition. Mom and Dad are good people, but lousy grandparents. Simon thinks they would be judgmental toward him and would gossip about matters he would prefer be kept private. He might be right. But because he is keeping them in the dark, his relationship with them has deteriorated. Our parents haven't seen Serena since she was a baby.
Simon has threatened that if I tell our parents about Serena's autism, he will never speak to me again. That would cost me a relationship not only with him, but also with my niece. I have encouraged him to come clean, but he refuses.
What should I do? Should I stay out of it, or intervene? And is this kind of situation typical with families who have children with special needs? -- UNCLE WITH A SECRET

DEAR UNCLE: When a family member is diagnosed with a mental health disorder, some families consider it to be something shameful, and "circle the wagons" to hide it. While it is regrettable, this is the path your brother has chosen. Not knowing your parents' level of sophistication, I'm guessing he may be right about them and that he prefers to allow them into his daughter's life only after her problem has become "indistinguishable in a few years" -- if ever.
If you value your relationship with Simon, do not reveal his secret. Obviously he trusts you, or he wouldn't have taken you into his confidence. If you betray him, your relationship will never be the same.

How do you think that any part of telling your parents anything about your Brothers child is your place???? That is HIS child, not yours and he has every right to disclose or not disclose anything to your parents about her as long as he is not abusing or hurting her........you REALLY need to butt out, lay off the drama a bit, huh?

Young Mom

2008-06-05T21:26:00.000-07:00

DEAR ABBY: I'm a 20-year-old single mom of a 17-month-old son. I love my baby dearly, but lately I feel I'm missing out on life. I feel like I need to go out on my own and find myself.
Before I got pregnant I had plans to go to college, work abroad and experience life. My mom says if I do it, I would be running away, that I can't take a break from being a mom, even for a little while, and come back and be a mom again. I know being a parent means all or nothing, but I'm still just a kid myself.
If I did leave, I'd go somewhere and use that time effectively. I have thought about going to school in Colorado where I could experience something different and give myself a shot at a better career. Would it be running away and leaving my baby if I did that? -- YOUNG AND RESTLESS IN IDAHO

DEAR YOUNG AND RESTLESS: Your mother is right. You are responsible for the welfare and emotional development of your baby. While this does not mean you can't have some social life, please recognize that your son needs consistency. He should not be left for an extended period of time. Take the college courses, but take them locally. Foreign travel to "find yourself" will have to wait because leaving your son now could cause lifelong repercussions.

You feel like your missing out on life?? It was YOUR decision to have sex and produce a baby. Yes, your still a kid, and you made the wrong decisions. Who should pay for that though, you or your innocent child?

Common Courtesy

2008-06-02T21:12:00.000-07:00

DEAR ABBY: I live in Chicago and commute to and from work each day on the El train, which is typically crowded. There are never enough seats to go around. What surprises me is the lack of thoughtfulness that men show when it comes to seating. It's extremely rare for a man to offer a seat to a lady. In fact, I have watched men race past women to grab seats. Just the other day, there was a very pregnant woman on the train and not a single person offered her a seat.
I'm not trying to portray females as the needy, weaker sex, but some chivalry would be nice. In this age of equal rights, am I outdated in my thinking? -- NEEDS A SEAT IN CHICAGO

DEAR NEEDS A SEAT: I don't think so, but there are those who would argue with us. With more people using public transportation because of increased fuel prices, seats are at a premium. One would hope that the commuters would practice good manners, but if a man didn't offer a pregnant woman his seat during the commute, I would offer her mine rather than force her to stand on swollen feet and ankles.

This should be a message to everyone, not just men. Especially as gas prices climb and more and more people use public transportation. Common courtesy really needs to be reinstated!

Excess Baggage

2008-06-02T21:00:00.000-07:00

DEAR ABBY: I am a 54-year-old divorced father of one daughter. I'm fit, look good for my age and earn a good income as a consultant. I'm not rich, but I own a condo and have a sizable retirement fund.
I have a strong desire to remarry, but I have some "baggage." My daughter, "Danielle," is bipolar. She has done nothing since graduating from high school last year but get into trouble. Danielle has been arrested for drugs and stealing, and hangs out with a rough crowd. My ex-wife does not have the inner strength to throw her out, which would probably be the best thing for her. This is out of my control, but still, women I date lose interest in me when they learn about my daughter.
I hate to lie, but I think I may have to start when we trade information about our children. Theirs are often very accomplished, so the contrast is terrible. Should I make up some half-truths until the time is right to tell the whole story? I'll follow your recommendation. -- EMBARRASSED IN VIRGINIA

DEAR EMBARRASSED: Your daughter suffers from a mental illness. She belongs in treatment, not on the streets. That your ex-wife hasn't thrown her out isn't a reflection of weakness, but a measure of her strength of character.
You and your ex could both benefit from joining a support group -- and I have one for you. It's the Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance. Since it was founded in 1986, it has grown to more than 1,000 support groups nationwide, and offers advice and online information for persons with depressive and manic-depressive illness and their families. To find a chapter near you, call toll-free (800) 826-3632 or visit its Web site: www.dbsalliance.org.
Under no circumstances should you concoct any "half-truths" in an attempt to cover up your situation. A woman who would write you off because you have a sick child doesn't sound like much of a catch. And any woman with a head on her shoulders would resent having been misled.
I don't know where you're finding the women you've been seeing, but I recommend you fish in other dating pools. In a support group you might meet someone with whom you have much in common.

I've a question for you, Dad....why do you feel you have to tell your dates about the uneasy street your daughter seems to be going down? If she has graduated High School, that means she is an adult and her decisions are her own. You say woman who learn about your daughter lose interest, perhaps your just telling them too much up front. Also these woman should realize your daughter is not a small child, she is a grown adult and she doesn't need "raised" by them. Sounds to me like your taking more responsibility for the baggage then what you should.

Autographs

2008-06-01T21:43:00.000-07:00

DEAR ABBY: Please answer a question that has me perplexed. Why do people collect autographs? I do not understand the need for a collection of signatures, regardless of how famous -- or infamous -- the person may be. I have never had the need to brag or show proof that I encountered "someone." In fact, I feel it's a breach of a person's privacy to approach and ask for a signature.
I realize that some may collect autographs for their monetary value, but what's the reasoning behind it? Book signings, I get. Movie posters, promotional items, baseball cards and sports memorabilia, I get. But I don't understand adults (and sometimes children) approaching someone famous and asking them to sign something.
Can you explain what's the big deal? -- NO AUTOGRAPH HOUND, PONTOTOC, MISS.

DEAR NO AUTOGRAPH HOUND: While I can't speak for every autograph collector, I suspect that many people ask for autographs because it provides them an opening to speak to someone whose work they admire or whom they think is attractive. And most celebrities -- although not all -- enjoy having that kind of contact with their fans.

I've a question for YOU, No Autograph Hound...........WHY DO YOU CARE??????????

Fixing the Soon to be Mother In Law

2008-05-31T22:17:00.000-07:00

DEAR ABBY: I have been dating an amazing girl, "Nina," for two months, and have fallen madly in love with her. Although contemplating marriage at this point might seem presumptuous, I'm convinced that this is where we're headed.
My concern is Nina's mother, "Joan." Although Joan is fully capable of working, she has chosen to "guilt" Nina into supporting her. She makes little or no financial contribution and works as little as possible. Nina is convinced that her mother is helpless, although Joan has never been diagnosed with a physical or psychological chronic illness.
I'm afraid that if I marry Nina, she will insist that we take care of her mother for the rest of her life. This would take a heavy toll on both the marriage and our finances. How can I make Nina recognize that my concern is valid without having her think I'm heartless? -- THREE'S A CROWD IN NEW YORK

DEAR THREE'S A CROWD: A step in the right direction would be to have a long engagement, and insist that before you tie the knot you have premarital counseling to ensure the two of you are in agreement about what the marriage will involve.

You've only been dating her for 2 months which means you have no idea what is really going on. Also, if you bring this up to Nina this early in the realationship she is NOT going to recognize your concern as valid, she is going to think you are a very shallow human being Throw your own red flag up but my God, give it some time before you start talking marriage and trying to fix your future Mother In Law. In other words: Simmer down! Otherwise you will ruin this relationship before it even gets started.

Cell Phone Hypocrites

2008-05-31T21:57:00.000-07:00

DEAR ABBY: On a recent trip to Europe I learned firsthand the meaning of the term "ugly American," which stems partly from the loud, obnoxious voices we sometimes use in public.
When Europeans are out in public they converse in low, modulated tones. They carry cell phones as we do, but rarely did I see Europeans use them, and never loudly. On trains, they walk out of the train car and answer their phones between the cars, so they won't disturb other passengers. And only once did I see someone answer a cell phone in a restaurant.
For some reason, Americans seem to need to be constantly on their cell phones. It's almost as if they have a compulsion to prove to those around them they are important or have friends. Well, they would gain far more friends if they turned off their phones and smiled or spoke quietly to the human seated next to them. -- TRAVELER IN SAN DIEGO

DEAR TRAVELER: Here we go again on the subject of cell phone manners. People who plan to travel outside the country need to keep in mind that once we cross the border we become unofficial representatives of the U.S.A., and first impressions can have a lasting impact. That's why it's wise to ask a travel agent or read up on your destination before leaving to learn what the local customs are in the place you are visiting -- and this applies not only to the use of cell phones, but also to how you dress and whether or not it's appropriate to take photos.

First of all.....you call yourself an American then turn around and bash us because you took one trip to Europe? Thats amazingly shallow. I don't think we are loud and obnoxious at all. I think we are happy and social. Grant it, some people use cell phones in the wrong place and at the wrong time but to say they are doing it to prove a point is a little self conscious on your part. I see absolutely nothing wrong with talking on your cell phone if you are on a long train ride......lets see, I can talk to you about the weather or I can call my Mom and catch up on the family........you think thats a compulsion? You need a reality check AND you also need to realize the only reason you wrote this letter to Dear Abby was because you clearly have nobody in your contact list to call and your jealous of that. These poor people bitching about cell phone use really need to stop evaluating three fourths of America and make some damn friends!

What if......

2008-05-26T20:45:00.000-07:00

DEAR ABBY: I am a 54-year-old divorced woman who raised three kids on my own for 15 years. I would now like to make a major change in my life and move to a small town in a Southern state. My kids are grown except for my youngest, who will graduate from high school this summer and probably attend college.
My parents, who don't even live in this town, are opposed to the idea. They say I am "abandoning my children," and my siblings are asking how I can move so far away from my elderly parents, which makes me feel guilty.
Am I wrong for wanting a new life of my own? My loved ones can always come to visit me. Do I owe it to my parents to stay here?
I can no longer afford to live where I am here in San Diego, but if I move to a less expensive community, I suppose I could afford a small home. -- RESTLESS

DEAR RESTLESS: Having raised your children to the point that they are independent, you are entitled to live wherever you wish. However, before making any hard-and-fast decisions, please answer some honest questions:
What will you do if your parents become too ill or frail to travel? Once your children marry and your grandchildren start arriving, how involved do you want to be in their lives?
If you will have enough money to travel for visits when you wish, then go with a clear conscience. If not, consider moving to a smaller, less expensive community not so far away from the family.
P.S. A final question: If something should happen to you, would you want your family to be closer?

Wow, Abby....whatever happened to "live your life"? The questions you are telling Restless to ask herself are way too "What if...." the woman has lived 54 years and raised 3 kids, she clearly deserves to make some decisions for HERSELF.

Lottery Winner buys his Wife a Wheelbarrow

2008-05-22T20:05:00.000-07:00

DEAR ABBY: My wife had a wheelbarrow with a steel wheel that had a tendency to sink into the ground when she was pushing a heavy load, making it difficult for her.
I recently won a large sum of money in a lottery, and to show my love and appreciation, I bought her a wheelbarrow with an inflatable rubber tire so it would be easier for her to push a heavy load. My wife has not talked to me since. What did I do wrong? -- BIG WINNER IN THE USA

DEAR BIG WINNER: Congratulations on your good fortune. What you "did" isn't the problem. What you DIDN'T do is what has upset your wife. You didn't ask her what she would LIKE to have. Do it now, and I predict she'll not only start talking, but you'll have trouble getting her to stop.

This just cracked me up! Maybe you should hire some gardening help to push that wonderful wheelbarrow you bought for your wife.....that might help!

Annoying Solicitors

2008-05-22T20:02:00.000-07:00

DEAR ABBY: How do you politely and firmly discourage overzealous religious solicitors who go door-to-door? My mother's co-worker and her husband have been coming to our house for some time, but now that Mom has retired, they have increased the frequency of their "visits."
Every time they show up at our door, Mom and I tell them, "No, we're not interested," but they don't seem to understand the meaning of those words. They still keep coming, and when we're not home, they leave literature on our doorstep. It's becoming irritating, and we're losing our patience. This couple has been "visiting" us for at least five years. Any ideas? -- HOUNDED IN BRITISH COLUMBIA

DEAR HOUNDED: What took you so long to write? The next time they show up, greet them with a smile and tell them, "Thank you, but I have already been saved." Then firmly close the door. If you find "literature" on your doorstep, toss it.
This question has arisen before. Years ago, a helpful reader wrote that a "courteous young man" had ignored the "No Solicitors" sign that was posted. When he offered her some religious literature, she responded, "You may give it to me only if you take some of MY literature for YOU to read," and handed him the Catholic Digest. The young man not only left in a hurry, but didn't accept the literature or leave any of his.

Theres no "polite" way to tell someone that continuously comes to your door to solicit their beliefs. Put up a No Solicitors sign and if they show up again open the door, point to the sign, then close the door. The point should be taken.

Antoher Bridezilla

2008-05-22T19:57:00.000-07:00

DEAR ABBY: I have recently gotten to know a lovely lady I'll call "Judith," whose son is being married in August. During a recent trip to Florida, Judith mentioned that she was looking for a dress to wear to the wedding and asked where she might find something nice. The next day, the woman she had spoken to arrived with a beautiful gown she had worn only once. The dress is lovely and of excellent quality. It fits and looks perfect on Judith.
After showing the dress to her future daughter-in-law, Judith received an e-mail from the young woman stating that the dress will "clash" with her ivory wedding dress and might look "dirty" next to it. (The dress is a light metallic gold.) She also told Judith that the purse was too gaudy.
Is it the bride's place to tell the mother of the groom what to wear? -- FRIEND OF JUDITH'S

DEAR FRIEND: Tell her? No. But to discuss her concerns with her future mother-in-law would have been acceptable. The bride-to-be's method of conveying her concerns to Judith was unfortunate. They both would have been better served had she picked up the phone and called.

There must already be some bad blood between Bride and Soon to be MIL. Its the brides wedding and she can pick and choose what the wedding party is wearing, but she has no right to tell her guests what to wear. I'd tell Judith to tell the bride "I'm sorry you feel that way, I'll try not to stand beside you in any pictures!"

A Dogs Damper

2008-05-17T20:53:00.000-07:00

DEAR ABBY: I have been dating "Roger," a wonderful man, for about a year. Our relationship has been stressful at times, but overall we're happy together and in love. My problem is his dog, "Lucky." Lucky is a one-man dog who barely tolerates my presence.
Anytime I hug or kiss Roger in front of Lucky, the dog starts barking and growling. Sometimes Roger puts him outside or locks the door so we can be alone together, but he says doing so makes him feel guilty because Lucky "worships him" and wants to be wherever he is.
Lucky doesn't like me around, and I'm uncomfortable around him. Roger knows it and still insists that the dog be wherever he is, even when it means we can t be "romantic" because of all the barking. He sees nothing wrong with Lucky's behavior. I think it's aberrant. Any ideas? -- DOG'S A DAMPER, BOWIE, MD.

DEAR DOG'S A DAMPER: Yes. I think ROGER'S behavior is aberrant. If he loves you, he should be willing to consult an animal behavior specialist for help in re-educating his dog and curbing his dog's aggression. As it stands, Lucky is a danger to you and anyone else who might enter his territory. Unless Roger is willing to act, you and he not only will have no privacy, you have no future.

Back to the dog people again...........Ok, once again, I have absolutely nothing against dogs. I love animals but why people treat them equal to humans is beyond me. Dogs are not human and should not come between humans. When they do you really need to look at the "human" that is letting it. I mean you seriously just wrote a letter to Dear Abby and asked her how to keep Rogers dog out of your bedroom without him feeling bad for it. THINK about that for a minute! I personally think Roger gets off on Luckys attention and for some reason that helps his poor self esteem so until Roger works on that, get used to Luckys jealousy.

The Out-Laws

2008-05-17T20:46:00.000-07:00

DEAR ABBY: I have overbearing in-laws who refuse to let their children, all of whom are in their 40s, live their own lives. We are constantly forced to spend time with them by means of manipulation. We have all been under their thumbs for so long that when the opportunity presented itself for our family to start a new life in a different state, we jumped at the chance.
We're now in the process of moving and becoming our own family. We are thrilled with the thought of seeing everyone on our terms, not having to worry about splitting holidays, feeling obligated on Mother's Day, Father's Day, birthdays, etc. -- just finally breaking away and gaining our independence.
Here's the kicker: His parents have just told us they are going to purchase a "vacation" home in the state where we are moving! My husband doesn't have the heart to tell them it's not a good idea, so now I'm having second thoughts about going.
I am beside myself. Will it never end? I understand parents loving their children, but isn't there a time when you just let them grow up and have their own lives? I desperately need advice! -- READY TO EXPLODE IN THE ROCKIES

DEAR READY: Yes, it appears you do. Now that you realize that putting geographic distance between you and your in-laws isn't going to solve your problem, you and their son are going to have to learn how to tactfully draw the line and just say no.
I don't know how long you have been married, but the two of you should have set boundaries and declared some independence years ago. Running away from this problem was never the answer. I'm sure your in-laws love you, but developing your own family traditions is neither disrespectful of their feelings nor a personal rejection -- it's healthy. And that's what I recommend you do.

You really need to not live your life because of your In Laws. You've clearly gave into them in the past and if you do it again, you will regret it AGAIN. Sit down with them and tell them what you are doing and why you are doing it. My God you can only be as manipulated as you let them!

Suspicious Dancing

2008-05-11T20:17:00.000-07:00

DEAR ABBY: I am a 38-year-old woman. My fiance of five years, "Troy," and I live together and are the parents of a 5-month-old baby girl.

We have been going out recently to dance at our favorite club, but every time we go, Troy disappears and leaves me with his best friend -- sometimes up to five hours at a time.

The club has several stories, with many secluded nooks, so Troy is hard to find. When I finally locate him, he's sweaty and has a weird look on his face. When I ask where he was and why he disappeared, I get no answers.

His friend covers for him. My fiance and I have never had a night out without this guy coming with us, and I'm tired of Troy's disappearing act. Something is going on.

He calls me paranoid, but I think if you leave your fiancee every time you go out, something is not right.

Am I being paranoid? Or does he have someone stashed in the club waiting for him? By the way, I make most of the money and pay for the nights out. -- SUSPICIOUS IN NEW JERSEY

DEAR SUSPICIOUS: Obviously something is up -- another woman, or possibly your fiance is using drugs -- and his best friend is there to make sure you don't find out. I hope you don't actually plan to marry this man, because he does not appear to be financially or emotionally ready for marriage. In fact, it appears he's happy as things are -- with you as his meal ticket.

However, to settle your curiosity, the next time you plan to go dancing, ask a girlfriend to come to the club separately and spend the evening tracking Troy. That should give you a clear picture of what has been going on behind the scenes.

He leaves you for 5 hours at a time? Why are you two even going out together? And what are you doing for those 5 hours before you go look for him? Perhaps that is your answer right there AND the reason you are suspicious......quite possibly he is doing the same thing you are!

The Scary World We Live In

2008-05-08T20:08:00.000-07:00

DEAR ABBY: I have been reading your column most of my adult life, but I don't ever remember seeing any letters from people who are just afraid of life.
The world today is such a scary place. I have a small child who will have to grow up in this world, and sometimes the thought terrifies me. I hear about school shootings, dangerous gangs, religious leaders who are sex offenders, and I recently watched a report of six teenage girls beating another and videotaping it to post online.
How can parents feel safe raising our kids in a world this crazy and scary? I am trying to look for the positive in life, but, honestly, it gets harder and harder. -- MISSING THE OLD DAYS IN ARIZONA CITY

DEAR MISSING THE OLD DAYS: I agree, bad things do sometimes happen to good people. However, you can't live your life as though the Hammer of Thor is about to strike you down, and if you maintain your fearful attitude, you could pass it along to your child.
While I can't guarantee that nothing bad will ever happen to you or anyone else, please allow me to remind you that the news media earn their income from magnifying the tragic, the scary and anything that deviates from the norm -- whether it be a murder, a car wreck or a five-legged cow.
The time has come for you to turn off your television set, tune out talk radio, and take your child to a park, a playground, a zoo or any family outing. It's a sure way to detoxify yourself from the negativity that has poisoned your outlook. Do it for two weeks, and I can almost guarantee you'll feel better than you do today.

It is a scary world we live in but its really not changed from 10 years ago, you just hear it and read it more. You have to believe in your children though and their generation......maybe they are the generation that will change this world.

Boy Toy?

2008-05-06T20:12:00.000-07:00

DEAR ABBY: I have started dating a man, "Karl," who is wonderful. We have similar values and enjoy doing the same things. After talking over lunches and dinners, I decided to do some Internet digging, and have learned that Karl is nine years younger than I am.
My friend and I are both in our 60s -- Karl is at the beginning, I'm at the end. I dwell on the age difference all the time and have started refusing his dinner invitations. Am I making too much out of this? Or should I go with the flow and see what happens?
My mom always told me she liked the saying, "I would rather be an old man's sweetheart than a young man's old lady." I have always agreed with her. -- YOUNG AT HEART

DEAR YOUNG AT HEART: For heaven's sake, go with the flow. As my mother used to say, "The most important ingredient in a lasting marriage is a husband who lasts." Demographically, men die younger than women do. You and Karl are, to put it mildly, well into adulthood. You share similar values and common interests. To reject him because he is nine years younger is crazy. Discuss it with him. You might be pleased to learn that he would enjoy being your "boy-toy."

Your only 9 years apart for Gods sake! And Abby is so old school she doesn't even know what a "boy-toy" is. A boy toy isn't 60 years old, hes friggin 20. Your not a Cougar and Karl isn't a Boy Toy. Stop beating yourself up over age difference, especially because its not that significant in your case and enjoy what could be a very nice relationship.

Grave Decisions

2008-05-06T19:58:00.000-07:00

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been informed that a family headstone has been purchased, and our share is $2,000 -- each. This was never discussed among the family members. The cemetery is located out of state. My husband is in the military, and we had planned to use the military cemetery where we live for a small fee. We think the family was rude and presumptuous planning for our deaths.
Because we declined, the family no longer speaks to us, which breaks our hearts. I am sure it is a tactic to wear us down.
We have received an e-mail telling us we are no longer welcome to attend the family reunion this summer unless we fork over the $4,000 and agree to have our names placed on the headstone. Your opinion, please, and any advice would be greatly appreciated. -- NOT DEAD AND BURIED YET

DEAR NOT D AND B: If you were truly considered "part of the family," you would have been part of the discussion and planning for that headstone. The silent treatment your family is giving you is emotional blackmail. Do not give in. Sad as it may be, recognize that you were already "excommunicated" when you were excluded from the planning and the purchase of the plot, not because you refused their demand.

I half wondered if this letter was for real...I don't know who these family members are that just decided to spend $4,000 for you and your husband but that was an idiotic decision. You need to stand your ground....tell those morons that you WILL attend the family reunion. Probably half the reason they don't want you there is so the other members of your family don't realize what a stupid thing they did. Go and hold your head up, they are the ones in the wrong.

The Gambler

2008-05-03T20:41:00.000-07:00

DEAR ABBY: I am pregnant with our second child and recently learned that my husband of six years, "Kyle," has gambled away almost our entire savings. Kyle says he did it because he was drunk, and he only gets the urge to gamble when he drinks. He promised he will never do it again.
I wish I could believe him, but this isn't the first time Kyle has gambled and lost large sums of money. I don't know what to do. Should I leave him, or stay and try to help him? I have no idea how to help, but I can't continue to live this way, wondering if and when he's going to do it again. Please help me. -- PREGNANT AND WONDERING

DEAR WONDERING: Your husband may have promised he won't gamble again, but promises are not enough. Because married couples can be held accountable for their spouse's debts, you must take control. It is possible to "help" only those individuals who are willing to help themselves. If your husband must seek help for his gambling you may have to separate your finances from his.
A group that can offer you some much-needed support is Gam-Anon Family Groups. This is a 12-step fellowship for husbands, wives, relatives and friends of compulsive gamblers -- people who have been affected by their loved ones' problem. Contact it at www.gam-anon.org, or by calling (718) 352-1671.

You have two options: the first being you can leave him, he will gamble again.
The second is you can devote your life to constantly worrying if he is gambling and constantly trying to help him not to. Good luck, neither choice is going to be easy.

The Girl that Couldn't Drive

2008-05-03T20:36:00.000-07:00

DEAR ABBY: I fell in love with "Wade" the night I met him. We almost got married, but he couldn't get past my fear of driving. As a child, I witnessed an accident. It was horrific and left me emotionally scarred. If I try to drive in traffic I freeze up and get flashbacks. I have tried for years to put this behind me.
After three years, Wade finally issued an ultimatum. Unless I drove, he would not buy me an engagement ring. He said my inability to drive would create too great a hardship for us.
Abby, I wanted desperately to get past my fear, but couldn't -- not even for love. I love Wade dearly, but not enough to endanger other people's lives. I ended the relationship and told him I hoped he'd find a pretty driver. It was the hardest thing I have ever done, and I miss him every day. Did I do the right thing? -- HEARTBROKEN IN WEST VIRGINIA

DEAR HEARTBROKEN: You may have acted hastily. There are mental health professionals who specialize in helping people with post-traumatic-stress problems, and you appear to fall into that category. Please talk to your doctor and ask for a referral to see if your childhood trauma can be overcome. Then, if you're successful, call Wade and invite him out for a "spin" -- preferably to the nearest jeweler. If you make one more attempt to get past this, at least you'll know you left no stone unturned.

Come on, how old are you?? Hell no you didn't do the right thing unless you didn't want to be with the guy. I don't blame him for having issues with you not driving after three years, I can imagine what a pain in the butt that was for him. You clearly need to get counseling and get past what you saw. I mean it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure that out, hence the reason I asked how old you are.

The Accident

2008-04-28T20:30:00.000-07:00

DEAR ABBY: I feel fortunate to be writing this. "Blessed" would be a better word. You see, my family could have been planning my husband's and my funeral today.

We were driving on a busy street when another driver raced out of the post office driveway as we were passing. It happened so fast, we couldn't see who it was -- just an object hurtling toward us. Thank God, my husband had sharp enough reflexes to swerve over the double line. Miraculously, no oncoming traffic was approaching. If it had been, we'd have been hit head-on. Had my husband not gotten out of the way, my side of the car would have been hit broadside.

Why in the name of heaven don't people realize that an automobile is a potential weapon? I hope my letter is worth space in your column. Life is fragile. This happened yesterday, and I am ... STILL SHAKEN IN FORT WORTH

DEAR STILL SHAKEN: Your letter is well worth space in my column. The driver may have been high, angry, sleep-deprived or distracted. Not only could you have been killed, but the person driving that car could have also been severely injured. While cars and bumpers used to be made of sturdy metal, today they are made of plastic. When we start our engines, no one should ever forget that fact.

Ummmm.....I'm pretty sure what you just wrote defines the word "accident" Why you thought to write to Dear Abby the day after it happened is beyond me, but thanks for the heads up!

The 14 Year Old that Should Have

2008-04-28T20:18:00.000-07:00

DEAR ABBY: My 14-year-old grandson was recently treated to an all-expense-paid vacation to visit his aunt and uncle in Washington, D.C. Because his family is struggling financially, I gave my grandson $50 to treat his hosts to dinner. He seemed excited about it and readily agreed that he would do it.
I found out inadvertently that he did not use the money as intended, and, in fact, I don't know what he did with it. Should I confront him or let it go, since I know he didn't have much spending money? -- GRANDMA ON A LIMITED INCOME

DEAR GRANDMA: To ask your grandson what he did with the money does not need to be "confrontational." Simply tell him that you have learned that he didn't take his aunt and uncle out to dinner as planned. True, he may have spent the money on himself. However, he may have offered and the offer was declined. Give him a chance to explain.

I'd have to say Simma downah, Grandma! Should you "confront" him? My God, he's only 14 years old. You don't need to confront a 14 year old, simply ask the poor boy and also keep in mind if he spent it on something besides what he should have......he's only 14 years old!

Vehicle Etiquette

2008-04-26T19:53:00.000-07:00

DEAR ABBY: When a friend asks for a ride from work to home, or home to work -- or anywhere, for that matter -- is it rude for the person to start adjusting the windows, volume on the radio, the thermostat, the sunroof, etc. without asking first?
I realize we are adults, but this is driving me crazy. -- JAY IN ALBUQUERQUE, N.M.

DEAR JAY: Many cars have child safety locks that prevent passenger windows from being operated or doors opened. Utilizing yours could solve part of your problem. However, many people do this when they enter a vehicle, and the driver doesn't mind. Because you do, speak up and say that you find it annoying, and I'm sure it won't happen again.

Here's what I would do: When they adjust the windows, re-adjust them, when they turn the volume up on the radio, shut it off, when they turn the air conditioner on, blast the heat. Pretty sure they'd get the hint.

Pot Pusher

2008-04-26T19:26:00.000-07:00

DEAR ABBY: Our 16-year-old son uses instant messaging, and we often "check in" on what he is saying and who he's speaking with. Although he knows we keep abreast of what he's doing online, he's obviously unaware of how much detail we have access to.
My husband and I know that our son is considering smoking pot and that his other friends do it occasionally. One boy in particular seems to be encouraging him to try it and is offering to provide it. This friend has dealt to others in the past.
We have a firm "parents have to connect" rule when our son wants to go to someone's house, to ensure that the teens are supervised. Our problem is, although the homes have parents "on duty," the friends are allowed to walk to town for a pizza. It's clear from reading the IMs that the boys are taking advantage of this loophole to get high.
How do I tell my son's friend's parents that their child is smoking pot and is the source for several others? -- AWARE IN LAWRENCE, MASS.

DEAR AWARE: Tell them in plain English -- and do it quickly. When someone is the source for others, in the eyes of the law it is considered "dealing," the penalty for which can be years in the pokey. And if you haven't already done so, inform your son that the penalty for smoking pot when -- not if -- you catch him will be severe.

You have a "parents have to connect" rule but have to write to Dear Abby to ask how you tell your sons friends' parents that their son is a drug dealer and is pushing your son to use? Are you kidding me???

The Spoiled Daughter

2008-04-24T19:43:00.000-07:00

DEAR ABBY: I have been divorced for four years. About nine months ago, I met "Cecil," a wThe problem is his adult daughter, "Wanda." She told me she won't allow some "conniving woman" to get her hooks into her father. She says falling in love with me is an insult to her mother's memory. Wanda made it plain she feels I am with her father only because I'm after his money. Cecil is comfortable financially, although not wealthy.
Now that she's aware that we have become serious, Wanda has begun trying to instill guilt and shame in her father. This is exceedingly difficult for him because Wanda is his only child.
What his daughter fails to understand is that I am secure financially. My home is paid off. I have assets and investments, a comfortable income and a future pension. I would be proud to become Cecil's wife, but if he were to ask me to continue our relationship without marriage, I would stay with him. Furthermore, if he proposed and wanted a pre-nup, I would gladly sign one.
I stand ready to love not only him, but also Wanda, if she could only open her heart to me -- not as a replacement for her mother, but as a loving, caring friend. What she does not know is that her parents never had the happy marriage she thought they did. They stayed together largely because of her.
What do you advise? I don't want to have to walk away so Cecil won't have to lose his daughter. -- LOVES HIM FOR ALL THE RIGHT REASONS

DEAR LOVES HIM: Unless Cecil wants to spend the rest of his life alone in order to please Wanda, he has some serious thinking to do. He fulfilled his marriage vows and is entitled to a full life. He should make that clear to his daughter, who appears to have some growing up to do.
So stand your ground, and be prepared to lay all your cards on the table. I can't promise it will completely allay Wanda's concerns, but it might put some of them to rest. If that's not the case, then so be it.

You need to stand up to Wanda and tell her how you feel then you need to stand up to Cecil and tell him what an ass he is being by enabling his spoiled daughter. If that doesn't work I'd kick the both of them to the curb, you owe them nothing more then that.

Do I Actually Have to Pay my Credit Cards Off?

2008-04-24T19:36:00.000-07:00

DEAR ABBY: How can I make my husband understand that eating out every Sunday after church is not only a waste of money, but also makes going out for special occasions not as important as they could be? I try to explain that we could do something besides eat out, but he only wants to do that.

We spend anywhere from $80 to $100 each week on dinner out. My husband puts it on a credit card. Now, I'll admit that I'm not that "up" on how credit cards work, but I know we'll have to pay them off eventually. We don't have the kind of money to splurge every week. How should I deal with this? -- TIRED OF EATING OUT, HAMPTON, VA.

DEAR TIRED OF EATING OUT: Have another talk with your husband. If he is able to pay his credit card bills in full every month, then you should stop worrying. If he is not, then you are living beyond your means -- a practice that has gotten many thousands of people in big financial trouble. And if that's the case, to assure your future you both need to agree upon a budget and reorganize your priorities.

Wow....I'm sorry, I'm still stuck on the "I'll admit that I'm not that "up" on how credit cards work, but I know we'll have to pay them off eventually" sentence. Trust me, if your not "up" on at least that much then you really need to just let your husband make all your finanicial decisions.

The Company Joke

2008-04-24T19:20:00.000-07:00

DEAR ABBY: I'm in my early 40s. I studied marketing and merchandising in college, but after graduation I chose to work in the family business. I married young, and my father hired my first husband so he could one day take over because I wasn't considered "man" enough to carry on this third-generation business.

I have spent the last 22 years learning this business inside and out. The employees respect me, and I have also gained respect within our industry. Although the number of women is still small, more and more women are involving themselves in this and related fields.

My day-in/day-out misery comes from my father. He is 72 and still works every day. He is old school. No matter how much money I make for this company or how much respect I gain from others, he will never acknowledge it. He constantly argues with me, and when he knows he's wrong, he walks out of the room. If I hear, "I have been doing this longer than you have" once more, I'll scream.

I would like to move on with my life -- meaning, get a new career. But being an only child in a family business that started in the 1920s, I feel trapped.

My ex- still works here, which is the company joke and the talk of the town. My birthday was last week, and Dad did not even wish me a happy birthday. Pretty sad for a man with one child he sees every day.

How can I find the strength to get on with my life? -- RUNNING OUT OF AIR

DEAR RUNNING: It shouldn't be difficult; consider the alternative. Your father will stay exactly where he is until he becomes incapacitated or dies -- whichever comes first. You have not once mentioned a succession plan that includes you.

If you want to wind up working for the "company joke," stay where you are. If not, put out some feelers regarding opportunities in your industry. You say you are respected. You might be pleasantly surprised to find there are some attractive options.

Your Dad sounds like a bitter old man that can't accept the fact that woman can do just as good of a job as men. The good thing is is that he is 72 years old and will probably kick the bucket sooner then later. I'd do everything I could to find out who he is leaving the company business to and if it is to you I'd bite my tongue, do your job and wait for the old man to pass. Once he does, I'd fire your Ex as soon as the company is yours then enjoy the profits you make from being a successful business woman. I'd think the gratification of firing your Ex and proving your grouchy Father wrong would fuel your fire to just hold out a little longer.

The Never Ending Smoking Debate

2008-04-13T19:54:00.000-07:00

DEAR ABBY: I am well aware of the risks of smoking. However, I have chosen to take the risk and continue the habit. When I smoke, I do it only outside, away from others so I won't infringe on anyone else's health.
When people decide they need to lecture me on why I should quit, how should I politely respond that I don't need their advice? I will decide on my own when I am ready to quit and make the effort. I understand they are trying to help my overall health, but it's really none of their business. -- NOT READY TO KICK THE BUTTS IN KENOSHA

DEAR NOT READY: You're right -- it is none of their business. However, it takes genuine affection and concern to confront an addict about the risk of his or her addiction, so give them some credit for reaching out.
I find it sad that you're so hooked that you continue puffing away in spite of the knowledge that it may one day kill or disfigure you. But that said, when you are approached about it, simply repeat the first two sentences of your letter to me. That will get your message across. And when you do, please try not to breathe on them because it could be hazardous to their health.

It takes genuine affection and concern to confront an addict about the risk of his or her addiction? Well, yeah, it does BUT only if you know what the hell they are going through.
Most people that preach these "smoking lectures" though have no idea what they are talking about because they've never smoked a day in their lives. And if that is the case, they are worried solely about themselves and have no friggin idea what genuine affection and concern is.
The last sentence of your answer Abby...."try not to breathe on them because it could be hazardous to their health" Seriously, how are we suppose to give you credit when you say something as stupid as that?

Emotionally Constipated?

2008-04-13T19:45:00.000-07:00

DEAR ABBY: I have been dating "Louis" for six months. Things are going great. I know he is my soul mate, and I need look no further. He's intelligent, artistic, appreciative, caring, and we have the same political and spiritual philosophy. We are both optimistic about a wonderful future together.
There is just one problem. Louis is emotionally constipated. He has trouble saying, "I love you." We discussed it, and he told me his last girlfriend -- his only other serious relationship -- just said, "Oh," when he told her he loved her. So now he's afraid of voicing the sentiment. Also, I heard his mother tell him she loved him, and Louis didn't respond to her.He has asked me to move in with him for the summer while we're on college break. He says I'm an inspiration, and he's never been happier. He says our relationship is like an oak tree, solid and forever growing stronger. His aunt has also "casually" mentioned that she has Louis' grandmother's wedding ring if he wants it anytime soon.
Should I tell Louis I love him and risk scaring him off? I couldn't stand for him to say "Oh" to me. What's your advice? -- LOVES HIM IN MOUNT PLEASANT, MICH.

DEAR LOVES HIM: Before you become more deeply involved with Louis, you need to review what happened with his mother. A son who remains silent when his mother says, "I love you," has issues that go beyond having had a girlfriend who only said "Oh" when he expressed his love for her. Surely her cool response was hurtful. And if so, why would he repeat that behavior?
Under no circumstances should you move in with Louis "for the summer." He may say your relationship is like an oak, but I can't think of a surer way to create root rot in the relationship. Slow down. His inability to tell you he loves you may stem from the fact that he doesn't.
Louis' aunt dropped you a broad hint when she mentioned his grandmother's wedding ring. Do not move in with him until you are sure he intends to use it.

Your emotionally constipated remark cracked me up, first time I've ever heard that. Ok......he has a hang-up, girlfriend. Thats it. We all carry bagagge from previous relationships, doesn't mean we can't lose them once we're in a stable relationship. You shouldn't be asking Dear Abby about his, you should be talking to HIM about this. Tell him how you feel instead of writing into a self help column. You guys have only been dating for 6 months, take the time and the effort to get to know him and let him answer this question for you.

Insanely Funny PMS

2008-04-10T20:23:00.000-07:00

Ok, the following was not a letter posted in the Dear Abby column. It was an email I received today and I found it tremendously witty and funny, and wanted to share it with especially my woman viewers. Enjoy!

This is an actual letter from an Austin woman sent to Proctor and Gamble regarding their feminine products. She really gets rolling after the first paragraph. It's PC Magazine's 2007 editors' choice for bestwebmail-award-winning letter.****************************************************************************Dear Mr. Thatcher,I have been a loyal user of your 'Always' maxi pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the Leak Guard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding orsalsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts.
But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enoughto realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.
Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from the curse? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my time of the month is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forcesviolently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call 'an inbred hillbilly with knife skills'. Isn't the human body amazing?
As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers monthly visits from 'Aunt Flo'. Therefore, you must know about thebloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friendJennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy!
The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants...Which brings me to the reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping sopainful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: ' Have a Happy Period '.Are you freaking kidding me? What I mean is does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think actual smiling, laughing, or happiness is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned abovesound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James?
FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak, there will never be anything 'happy' about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kailua andlock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like 'Put down the Hammer' or 'Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong', or are you just picking on us?
Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bullsh*t. And that's a promise I will keep. Always
Best,
Wendi AaronsAustin, TX

Way to tell em Wendi! LMAO!

Come on, Give the Kitty some Goose Liver Pate!

2008-04-10T20:09:00.000-07:00

DEAR ABBY: My domestic partner and I have been together 12 years. I love him dearly. He is sweet, funny, witty, kind, and most important, willing to live with me. I can't imagine life without him. The problem is, he has no common sense. He doesn't "get" that dishes we cook and eat with should not be used for feeding the cats. If the toilet runs over (we have old plumbing), my best bath towels should not be used to clean up the mess when there's a mop in the closet. If we're out of cat food, he should go to the supermarket and buy some, not open the can of goose liver pate we brought back from Paris. That sort of thing.The immediate cause of my annoyance is if you have two credit cards, one with a 7 percent interest rate, the other with a 21 percent interest rate, you don't put a $2,000 purchase on the card with the higher interest rate.
My partner is 42, but sometimes I feel like I'm the parent of a 4-year-old. If I say anything, he accuses me of being a "control freak." I don't consider myself one, but I just don't want my favorite punch bowl used as a bucket. Any ideas before I shoot the both of us? -- READY TO SCREAM, GROVELAND, FLA.

DEAR READY TO SCREAM: Until they start cloning couples, there will always be one more responsible person in a relationship. Because your partnership has lasted as long as it has, I'm sure he has his strengths, too, that are different from yours.
Because you already know the state of your plumbing, stash a supply of rags or old, faded towels in your linen closet and show them to him, so that when another emergency occurs, he will be able to locate them quickly. Transfer your fine china and crystal to a cabinet that's less convenient to reach -- perhaps even one with a lock -- so it won't be so available when the livestock gets hungry.
And warn your partner in advance that certain items -- like pate -- are only for special occasions. Also, consider transferring your balance from the high-interest credit card, or keeping it in a safety deposit box.
If all that fails, remind yourself what it was like back on the dating circuit. If that doesn't make you count his virtues, nothing will.

I really don't even know what Pate is but the humor you added about you shooting both of you cracked me up! Sure is tough being in love with a dork, huh?

The Teen Twins

2008-04-09T20:19:00.000-07:00

DEAR ABBY: My 13-year-old twin daughters were very close, considered each other their "best friend" and got along beautifully sharing a room. Disagreements and arguments were rare and nearly always minor.
However, during the last few months, out of the blue, they have begun fighting and arguing frequently. They scream and yell at each other over the pettiest of things. Instead of being constant companions, they no longer want to do anything together.
Now they spend time separately with friends. They are even asking us to get a bigger house so they can have separate rooms. They refuse to share the bathroom in the morning -- which had never been a problem before -- claiming to need privacy from each other. This makes things very difficult during the morning rush because we also have a 15-year-old son who needs to get ready for school.
I am at my wit's end trying to deal with this. I have no idea what caused this sudden rift, and the girls don't seem to understand it either. Please help. -- LOUISIANA MOM OF 3

DEAR LOUISIANA MOM: What's causing the rift is that your daughters are maturing. Their hormones are changing, and they are trying to become individuals. This is a healthy thing, and you should not worry.
As to the scheduling problem in the bathroom -- if the girls won't cooperate and share the facilities, then they will have to alternate. And your job as mother and referee is to see that they do.

Ahhh....the teenage years, aren't they glorious? I kinda agree with what Dear Abby wrote, all except the last part. I don't agree you should "referee" between the twins. They are trying to find thier own identity but they will not do that with you fighting their fights for them. Set the boundries then make them come up with reasonable answers. Sit them both down and give them their options, then let them come up with their conclusions, that way they will begin to realize they both really can be different people, but still work together. Best of luck to ya!

I Clearly Don't Know What Love Means

2008-04-08T21:46:00.000-07:00

DEAR ABBY: I have been married for six years and have recently fallen in love with another man. But I still love my husband. Is it possible for a person to be in love with two people at the same time? -- KIM FROM THE SUNSHINE STATE

DEAR KIM: It is possible to love more than one person because you love them for different reasons. However, when someone is IN love, he or she is usually completely focused on that one love object. So the answer to your question is no.

Ahhh....finally a fun one to comment on! Hey, sweetie, Kim...come over here and let me explain a few things to you......the answer to your question is no. If you truley loved man #1 then you wouldn't have fallen in love with man #2. God, I love the typical moron questions asked in here, it makes my life so much easier! :-)

An Official" Whos the Pastor Doing Now-A-Days "Day

2008-04-08T21:28:00.000-07:00

DEAR ABBY: I'm writing in response to "In True Love in Washington" (Feb. 4), about the 16-year-old who became pregnant by her pastor. What she described is not a "love" relationship; it is an abusive one. A pastor who has a sexual relationship with a member of his congregation is misusing his power, and this constitutes clergy sexual misconduct.
You were correct when you stated that "if there is any 'shaming,'" it should be directed at the pastor. Unfortunately, that is not typically the case. The shaming of victims that follows disclosure is nearly unbearable. Church officials typically collude in denial or cover up the problem. Rarely is there any care for the victim.
For this reason, a sex-abuse therapist and a spiritual director familiar with this type of abuse are helpful in the healing process. In addition, it is vital for the victim and her family to find the support of someone who has lived through clergy sexual misconduct because it is unlikely they will find support in their current circle of friends. -- C.W., MUSKEGON, MICH.

DEAR C.W.: Thank you for sharing some valuable suggestions. The responses to "True Love" offered additional steps for her to consider. Read on:

Ok ppl, I'm really sorry I posted this tonight but the Dear Abby column has been very, very dry lately. Its hard to update your blog when the questions that are getting asked are borderline ridiculous.
Don't get me wrong, I'm sure this question was heart-felt by someone (maybe) But good Lord am I tired of the "who's screwing who's Pastor" Its almost like a epidemic...one says the clergy man molested him or her and then they all come out of the woodworks. Why is it not that big of a deal until it is a man of cloth that is getting blamed? Then the whole world is notified via newsprint and media. I realize you look up to your clergymen but how do you show more respect to them then your own father or brother or uncle for that matter?? Yes this subject does need to be discussed, but it needs no more attention then the poor girl down the street that was raped by her uncle. For some reason we hold a higher regard to the Preacher, Bishop, Father (or whatever your religion might say) I guess this just goes to show you how we discriminate....can't wait to see tomorrows headlines that say the Pastor slept with a church-goer. For some reason that creates headlines and the Mother slept with the son doesn't. I mean no less respect, but the attention truly does blow my mind.

Obituaries

2008-04-07T20:08:00.000-07:00

DEAR ABBY: Why do people put old photos in the obituaries? When photos started appearing in obituaries, I thought it was a little strange. But publishing a photo taken at age 20 of a person who died at 85 makes no sense to me. -- JUST CALL ME SNAPSHOT

DEAR SNAPSHOT: Consider this: Perhaps the deceased -- or the grieving family -- preferred that he or she be remembered in the full bloom of youth rather than ravaged by age or disease. That's the logical explanation.

Yeah, and if this is the only thing you have to write into Dear Abby about, you've got way too much free time on your hands!

Unplugging the Phone

2008-04-05T21:33:00.000-07:00

DEAR ABBY: I have a friend, "Josie" who lives in another state where the time is two hours earlier than where I live. I have asked her please not to call my home after 8 p.m. my time because this is when I am preparing my two children, ages 3 and 1, for bed. My daughter is a very light sleeper.
Josie feels I am being silly. She says other people she calls in my area don't put such limitations on her. She has suggested I "just unplug the phone if I don't want it to ring."
Abby, this has created a huge issue between us, and I need to know if my request is unreasonable. -- YOUNG MOM, BLOOMINGTON, ILL.

DEAR YOUNG MOM: Your request is perfectly reasonable, and if your "friend" was not so self-centered, she would understand that and be more cooperative. You should not have to unplug your phone to prevent her from disturbing your children, because if you did you might be unavailable in case of an emergency.

If you don't already have it, get Caller ID and stop answering her calls. She'll eventially get the hint......problem solved.

Got Milk?

2008-04-04T21:20:00.000-07:00

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have a 20-year-old nephew I'll call "Adam," who sometimes lacks good judgment. We have told him that when he visits he should ask before drinking our milk. The price of milk has gone sky-high, and we have a 7-year-old who drinks a lot of it. We have had to tighten our purse strings and try to make a gallon last a week. When Adam comes over, he will drink two or three big glasses of it. Now, instead of asking, he sneaks it when we're not looking.
His mother, "Faye," is also my best friend. While she was visiting, Adam waited until we went into the family room, then consumed more than half of the gallon of milk we had just purchased. When we discovered what had happened, we called Adam on his cell phone and told him we weren't happy about it. Faye overheard the conversation.
When we saw her the next day, she didn't seem too upset about it. But now that she's back home in Florida, she hasn't returned any of my calls or e-mails. Could scolding Adam about the milk have anything to do with Faye's silence? -- SOURED IN CONNECTICUT

DEAR SOURED: If you explained to Adam that you and your husband are on a strict budget, and that you didn't want him to drink the milk, then he was wrong to help himself to it. It is not unheard of for a parent to become offended when someone scolds his or her child. That may be the reason you're getting the silent treatment. But no one can answer that question for sure other than Faye.

I almost wondered if this letter was another April Fools joke. Come on! We're talking about a 3 dollar a gallon of milk! If your nephew is not worth at least that much to you then I really question why he even wants to be at your house, I sure as hell wouldn't! And I really don't blame Faye a bit if she is mad at you, I would be if that was my son and all you were worried about is him drinking your friggin milk!

Problem Pile-Up

2008-04-02T20:57:00.000-07:00

DEAR ABBY: To say I am upset is an understatement. I have a terrible problem. My wife of 22 years, "Verna," was recently sentenced to 15 years in prison. Verna, you see, always programmed our VCR. As a result, I have no idea how to record my favorite sporting events. begged my daughter to show me how to operate the darned thing, but she's still mad at me because when she asked me if her blue blazer made her look fat, I replied: "No, I don't think your blazer makes you look fat. It's those double cheeseburgers you've been scarfing down two at a time that make you look so fat."
I'm thinking maybe if I run a personal ad in my local paper I could meet a nice lady and get my mind off all the sports I'm missing on TV. Here's how I plan to word it: "SWM seeking single female with lots of money and a fast car. Race, age and looks unimportant. Please send picture of car."
I know you get hundreds of letters every day with the same exact problems that I have, but please tell me what to do. -- APRIL FOOL FROM FORT SMITH, ARK.

DEAR APRIL FOOL: People often ask me if I get made-up letters, and in honor of April Fools' Day, I am printing yours.
By the way, forget about the personal ad. You have enough family problems already without revving up anyone else's engine.

I had to post this one, it just cracked me up!

Mommy Dumbest?

2008-04-02T20:04:00.000-07:00

DEAR ABBY: Help! I am engaged to a man with three kids -- a 7-year-old girl and 9-year-old twin boys -- and soon to become a stepmom. He has them about half the time.
The family all believe their biological mother is failing miserably, and I feel as though they view me as a suitable substitute. I like his children, but I have three of my own. One is grown; two are teenagers. I see the light at the end of the tunnel and do not want to start over again raising someone else's kids.
Can I marry this man and not have to raise his kids? Or is that what a stepmother does? I would be happy just being their friend. -- UNCERTAIN STEPMOM IN NEW ENGLAND

DEAR UNCERTAIN: Although you would be happy just being their friend, at their ages and with the biological mother "failing miserably," face it: There will be plenty of mothering going on. Of course you will have a hand in raising those children -- it goes with the territory. If that's not what you are willing to sign on for, you should not marry him. Sorry.

Did you forget to take your "get a clue" pill before you asked Dear Abby this question?? Of course you can't marry this man and not help raise his kids......I can't believe you asked this question especially when you have 3 kids of your own, who the hell raised them??

Dealing with the Alcoholic Brother

2008-03-29T21:21:00.000-07:00

DEAR ABBY: My oldest brother, "Harry," has been dealing with drug and alcohol issues for more than 30 years. While I am not wealthy by any standards, barring any major catastrophes, my wife and I will be comfortable in our retirement.

Harry's adult kids are having problems taking care of him, and they, as well as my other adult siblings, seem to think I am "harsh and callous" for not helping.
What they don't know is that, as a child, Harry sexually abused me, and when I was in my 20s and in the military stationed overseas, he slept with my (now ex-) wife. What they have also conveniently forgotten is that a few years ago, I gave Harry several thousand dollars' worth of equipment to start a business. Instead of starting the business, he sold the equipment to buy booze and drugs.
Am I being too harsh? If not, how many of the details should I reveal to let the family know why I feel so little compassion? -- FED UP IN TEXAS

DEAR FED UP: Perhaps it's time you got it ALL off your chest. Considering everything that has transpired, I don't think you're being harsh or callous by not chipping in. And I see no reason why you should remain silent about the way you have been sexually and financially abused by your brother.

As I see it, you have two options....the first being Abbys advice, which wasn't bad at all. You could lay it all out on the table , get it off your chest, deal with it as a family, so on and so forth...

Or you could stop being manipulated by these people, they don't know what you have been through, therefor they have no right to question your willingness to help your brother.

You've already tried to help him and he blew that chance. Should you give him more money so he can drink it away? Absolutely not. And you should not feel guilty about that, you tried it once and it didn't work. I think you should follow your heart on this one and do what you think YOU need to do.

I'm Glad I'm Not Your Friend!

2008-03-27T20:50:00.000-07:00

DEAR ABBY: Will you please advise me on how to tell our computer friends not to send "junk" e-mail? My husband and I are annoyed with all the chain letters, jokes, cartoons, opinion letters, cutesy pictures, etc. we are receiving. I don't bother to read them, but deleting them is time-consuming.
Why do people assume we're interested when we never asked for this kind of stuff? All it does is fill up our mailboxes.
I stopped passing along this form of entertainment years ago, but people still keep sending the rubbish, even when I politely ask them to stop. Changing my e-mail address won't help. I want to correspond with friends, and do not want to hurt their feelings. I just want to eliminate the trash. Any suggestions on what we can say or do to stop the junk? -- OVERFLOWING IN TRAVERSE CITY, MICH.

DEAR OVERFLOWING: Maybe you're being too polite. You need to be firm and specific. Reply to an unwanted e-mail by telling the sender that you aren't interested in this kind of "entertainment." Eventually, your friends will get the message.

Are you kidding, Abby? She's being too POLITE? The first thing that came to my mind after reading Overflowings questions was.....PRUDE! If any of my friends ever responded to something that I sent them and said "I'm not interested" I can guarantee you I wouldn't email their rude ass again!
Furthermore.....nobody stops and wonders whether you are interested in what they send to you and they don't just "assume" you are, they are simply forwarding something to you that was interest to them in an attempt to keep in contact with you (why, I don't know)
You say it is time-consuming to delete these emails....I'm not a computer wizard but I can pretty much delete an email within a fraction of a second, its a simple keystroke.
Some jokes and forwards are annoying but I'd take getting anything from my friends any day over being so ungrateful that I'd send them an email telling them your too busy to hit the delete button!

Suicidal Truth

2008-03-26T07:36:00.000-07:00

DEAR ABBY: I am struggling with the question of whether or not to reveal a confidence made more than two years ago. My boyfriend at the time, "Jerry," revealed to me that he was gay. We remained friends, but I moved on and started dating someone else. Jerry never confided his secret to anyone else and, eventually feeling overcome with depression, took his own life. Jerry told me more than once that he knew how his parents would feel if he told them he was gay. He saw the way they snickered when they saw a gay couple. They made it very clear to him that they didn't think it was normal. Jerry was sure, seeing the way his parents viewed gay people, that this was how he, too, would be viewed.
His parents are now blaming me for the fact that Jerry took his own life. They say it was because we broke up. Would it be selfish of me to tell them the truth -- that THEY are the real reason? Or should I continue to keep his secret? -- HIS BEST FRIEND, ROCHESTER, N.Y.

DEAR BEST FRIEND: You should reveal that your friend told you he was gay and was worried about how his parents would accept it. However, when you tell them, do not expect them to believe you. It will be far easier for them to continue pointing the finger at you than to accept that they had a role in their son's suicide.

I don't agree with you at all on this one, Abby. If you don't think the parents are going to believe what BEST FRIEND says to begin with then why even attempt to add to the poor parents grief? That to me, would be extremely selfish.

A simple Thank You

2008-03-22T20:56:00.000-07:00

DEAR ABBY: A few years ago I was assisting with a local talent show and received a handwritten note from a parent expressing how much her child enjoyed being in the show and that she appreciated my efforts. It was unexpected and brightened my day.
I decided I would try to find someone to thank whenever possible, and have since mailed many little notes. I wrote to thank my daughter's bus driver for being kind, prompt and safe all year. I contacted a store manager to compliment him on a cashier who was exceptionally helpful and cheerful.
I hear so many people complain, sometimes misdirecting their anger at whoever is in their path. Impatient drivers sound their horns relentlessly. Neighbors threaten to sue each other. Enough, already! The power of a thank-you note goes beyond good manners. It's a great pick-me-up to receive a little thank-you now and then. -- GRATEFUL NOTE WRITER, BRECKSVILLE, OHIO

I didn't even include Abbys response because it was boring, you know, blah, blah, blah, blah..........however I thought what Grateful Note Writer had to say was very worth a post.

Jilted?

2008-03-20T21:00:00.000-07:00

DEAR ABBY: I am in my 40s, single, and have bought a house. There is no man in my future. My parents helped me by giving me the down payment. They expect me to pay them back plus interest.
My parents paid for both my sisters' weddings and also helped with the expense for my brother's wedding. Since they didn't have to pay for a wedding for me, I think the down payment should be considered "wedding money," and I should not be required to pay it back. What is your opinion? -- JILTED DOWN SOUTH

DEAR JILTED: What bothers me about your letter is the sense of entitlement it conveys. I assume that at the time your parents loaned you the money, you agreed to the terms. If that's the case, then you should abide by them. You are fortunate your parents were willing (and able) to help you. Residential loans are not easy to get right now.

I think your a greedy little shit. A wedding is much different then buying your first home and you should be happy they fronted the loan for you. Just because you are 40 and there are no wedding plans in the future doesn't mean it won't happen....and when it does, it sounds to me like you will expect the same that your parents gave to your siblings. Be happy with what your parents did for you and hope that you can find someone in your future to put up with your selfishness.....I wish you luck.

Kissed by a Rose

2008-03-14T21:13:00.000-07:00

DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend, "Richie," and I have been together three years. Richie watches his pennies, so I was very surprised two days before Valentine's Day to return from a family trip and find a gorgeous vase of professionally arranged flowers and a small heart-shaped box of chocolates on my coffee table.
I was very impressed, surprised and excited. I asked Richie where he got them, and he told me the name of a high-priced florist. I was off work the day before Valentine's Day, so I went out, bought expensive wine and filet mignon and made a fantastic home-cooked meal for him.
When Richie got home from work, I asked him again where he got the flowers, and he again named the florist. I asked if he really went and got them, and if they were really intended for me. (It was just so out of character for him to splurge like that. The arrangement must have cost at least $100.) When he didn't respond, I probed some more. He finally confessed they were from a funeral his parents had attended the day before I got home.
Can you believe Richie was trying to pass off flowers from a complete stranger's funeral as nice flowers he got me for Valentine's Day? He lied to me. Now he says I'm ungrateful and that there's nothing wrong with what he did! I told him he is greedy and cheap, and the thoughtful thing to do with leftover funeral flowers would have been to take them to a cancer ward at a hospital or to a local nursing home.
What do you think? Am I overreacting? I'm afraid this may be a deal-breaker. -- ANN IN GRAND RAPIDS, MICH.

DEAR ANN: You're not overreacting. Your feelings are justified. You now know exactly what kind of things Richie is capable of -- and being generous to make you happy is not on his agenda. Wake up and smell the flowers. You have glimpsed what your future will be like if you marry him. When it comes to making you happy, Richie will always be playing the angles, and you will be shortchanged because he is cheap.

Ok, first of all I can't believe you responded the way you did, Abby. Its not like the guy killed somebody or something. Making Ann happy WAS his agenda, that is why he did what he did. Sometimes you need to just simmer down and drop the political view, Abby!
Now....Ann, I am not justifying what Richie did, it was wrong for him to lie, but give the guy some credit, he was thinking of YOU. Also, you said he should have taken them to a hospital or a Nursing Home......how is that any different then bringing them home to you? The patients in hospitals and nursing homes are people, just like you. So what your saying is that if he would have taken the flowers to them, they should have refused them too?
Come on people, lighten up!!!

Dreading the Wedding

2008-03-11T20:44:00.000-07:00

DEAR ABBY: My nephew is being married this summer in an outdoor garden wedding. He casually mentioned that his future mother-in-law plans to purchase several large planters with live plants from a housewares store to use for the ceremony. She then intends to return the planters for a refund, saying, "They didn't work out."
I consider this to be totally unethical. My family agrees, but because the bride's family is paying most of the wedding costs, we feel it is inappropriate to speak up.
Now I'm beginning to wonder about the morals of the family into which my nephew is marrying. But since I'm only a relative, I can't say anything without starting trouble. What do you think? -- DREADING THE WEDDING, ANAHEIM, CALIF.

DEAR DREADING THE WEDDING: There's a saying, "All that's needed for evil to flourish is for good people to say nothing." If you and the family have already made your opinions known, then you have done enough. But while you're "wondering about the morals of the family into which your nephew is marrying," you should also wonder about the ethics and morals of a young man who would allow this to be done on one of the most sacred occasions in his life. Shame on him for not speaking up.
As to this practice being harmless, many companies have eliminated return policies because of it. So everyone gets hurt.

There's con-artists at work for ya, thats half of what is wrong with Americas economy today. How people can do this and look at themselves in the mirror the next day is beyond me. If I were you, however I would approach the brides family, tell them that you know what they intend to do and offer to pay for the planters. Not only would that throw it in their face but hopefully it would open their eyes to their dishonesty.

Dog Tired, Palmyra, NY

2008-02-29T19:47:00.000-08:00

DEAR ABBY: I am a stay-at-home mom of an active 3-year-old boy, with another on the way. Before my son, "Chad," was born, my husband and I took in a loving yellow Labrador, "Sparky" (now 8), who had been neglected.
While I love Sparky very much, he is just too much work for me because he is so needy. He often becomes nervous and "stuck" in certain rooms and must be physically coaxed into the next room. His anxiety causes him to bark uncontrollably at cars, people walking by, etc. He is absolutely out of control when someone comes to the door. He has damaged our home, wakes us up when we're sleeping, wants to go in and out all day, and is constantly underfoot. Our efforts to train Sparky have failed, and I'm simply out of patience.
The trouble is, my husband has no sympathy for the difficulty this causes me when I'm home during the day, and he refuses to discuss alternative options. I don't know what to do and have overwhelming feelings of guilt. I find myself actually looking forward to the day when Sparky dies so that I can be relieved of this burden. Please help. -- DOG TIRED, PALMYRA, N.Y.

DEAR DOG TIRED: The problems you described are not your dog's fault. Many rescue animals have "issues" not unlike Sparky's. You need to talk to your vet about this, and also a professional dog trainer. If that doesn't resolve your problem, then contact the rescue group that placed Sparky with you so they can find him another home.

Alot of people are probably going to disagree with my answer to this post, but its my blog........right? First of all let me start by saying I do love animals. BUT animals are animals. I think a lot of people get pets to fulfill the void of having children and a family. Once they start to build a family and have children they realize they can't do all of it.
You should not feel guilty, Dog Tired unless you continue to take care of Sparky. Your children come first, not your dog. A dog can go to another family and he will forget about you and be happy. You can't do that with children. You need to put your children first and you clearly can't do that taking care of a "needy" dog. So do you, your children and Sparky a favor and look for another home for Sparky that doesn't have children and have the time to take care of his "special needs" You need to focus on you, your baby and your new baby now, that is your family. Sparky will be perfectly fine with another family that can devote their time to his needs.

Lealia Xiong, Guilford, Conn.

2008-02-29T19:41:00.000-08:00

DEAR ABBY: I am a 12-year-old freshman at an all-girls school. Prior to this I was in the public school system. Today I was thinking about my experiences in both systems of schools, which inspired me to write the following poem. You can print it if you like.
Perhaps it will strike a chord with educators and students. Maybe it won't. But I wanted to get my feelings out on this subject and help to stop unfair judgment. -- LEALIA XIONG, GUILFORD, CONN.

DEAR LEALIA: I'm pleased to share your poem and the important message it so succinctly conveys. You have tremendous insight for one so young, and talent as well.

DON'T JUDGE
Don't judge people you hardly know.
You don't know what their day has been like.
You don't know what their life has been like.
Don't judge.
Don't judge someone who seems
As if she's overreacting.
You don't know if she's lost someone
She loved dearly
Or if her parents are getting a divorce
Or fighting over nothing.
Don't judge.
Don't judge someone who's different.
He's probably one of the nicest people you'll
know.
Or the funniest.
Or the smartest.
Take the time to get to know people.
Walk with them.
Run with them.
Share their triumphs and their sorrows.
Maybe they don't dance through life
As you thought.
Don't judge.

Very nice poem, Lealia. Keep writing. You clearly have a hidden talent for it!

Being One of the Guys is Insulting to Many Gals

2008-02-26T19:32:00.000-08:00

DEAR ABBY: I had to write regarding the letter from "Disgruntled in Lompoc, Calif." (Dec. 28), whose pet peeve is waitstaff (in particular) referring to her and her lady friends as "guys."
Well, 3,000 miles away, I, too, am sick to death of being called a guy. When it happens to me, I tell my server that "the last time I looked, I was NOT a guy!" Sometimes they get it -- sometimes not.
I notice that on some of the TV shows I watch, even women refer to a group of people as "guys." I hate it -- and would ask you, with your worldwide influence, to bring the issue forward. We are NOT "guys," we are "people" or "folks" or "ladies and gentlemen"! Or else, Merriam-Webster will have to change its definition of "guys." Thanks for letting me vent. -- JACKI IN WILBRAHAM, MASS.

DEAR JACKI: I had no idea when I printed that letter that it would hit such a nerve with my readers, but oh, sister, have I heard from them! While I, too, would prefer to have my femininity acknowledged rather than to be called a guy, I would, however, not let it ruin my meal if it happened.
And, as to Merriam-Webster's definition of a "guy," -- my 11th Edition says in black and white that "guy" can refer to "any person" when used colloquially. Frankly, I found it so surprising that I looked in the American Heritage College Dictionary to see if there was agreement, and it also states: "Informal (ital.): Persons of either sex." Read on:

I'm not posting the rest of the "Read On" that Dear Abby posted in her column, this subject was taken way, way too far. First of all, if you are offended by someone referring to you as "guys" you clearly have a man-like tendancy hang up somewhere.....shave your stashes, ladies and consider yourself lucky that this is the only subject you have to write in to Dear Abby about!

Worried about Genetics, Clarksville, Tenn.

2008-02-25T20:07:00.000-08:00

DEAR ABBY: I am married but have two children, "Venus" and "Adonis," from a previous relationship. These children are very good-looking, and I'm not just saying that because I'm their mom.
My husband, "Herman," is ready for us to start our own family soon. Not to sound shallow, but Herman was not a very cute kid. He wore thick glasses and braces as a child. Whenever I am asked by either Herman or his family if I think he was a cute baby, I lie.
I know I would love our babies as much as I do Venus and Adonis, but I'm afraid they will not be as cute, and that everyone will know my older children have a different father.
These worries are causing me to have doubts about having kids with Herman. Am I that shallow? Am I not in love enough with Herman because I'm scared our children will be ... ugly? This is killing me. Herman wants to start trying for a family this summer. Help! -- WORRIED ABOUT GENETICS, CLARKSVILLE, TENN.

DEAR WORRIED: I have news for you. Herman was a typical kid -- and look how he turned out. He's attractive enough that you married him.
There are no guarantees regardless of the gene pool you're fishing in. I firmly believe that each generation is becoming more beautiful than the last -- or at least that's how it appears to me as I look around.
But please understand that nobody else cares who fathered Venus and Adonis, and it's time to give up your obsession about it.

Wow, this one blew me away! Ok, lets start with this, Worried......You named both of your first children with Greek and Roman Mythological names. "Venus" means Goddess of Love and Beauty. "Adonis" means a Very Handsome Young Man.......I really don't think I need to go any further with this. Yes, you are shallow, extremely so. Most of us woman worry about the health of our children, not how beautiful or handsome they are going to be, we're happy with a healthy baby. I pitty your poor Venus and Adonis that have to live up to your expectations and I pitty your poor husband that has no idea that your worried about his sperm not living up to your expectations!

Undervalued in Panama City, FLA

2008-02-23T19:33:00.000-08:00

DEAR ABBY: I have been engaged to a widower I'll call "Grant" for about a year. Grant's wife, "Lilly," has been gone for 15 years. He talks about her frequently, which is OK with me. Lilly was an important part of his life for a long time.
My problem is, I feel I can never quite measure up to her. When we're out in public, he frequently refers to "his late wife," which makes me a bit uncomfortable. Recently he told me in conversation, "Do I wish I had never met you and Lilly was still alive? Absolutely!" It came out of the blue and hit me like a lead balloon.
I understand that Grant wishes his late wife were still alive, but did he have to say, "Do I wish I had never met you?" He is also critical of me and puts me down rather often. When I became upset about his comment, he acted like I was overreacting and overly sensitive.
I feel so hurt. I don't even know if I want to be with Grant anymore. Please give me some advice. My self-esteem is at an all-time low, and I am very depressed. -- UNDERVALUED IN PANAMA CITY, FLA.

DEAR UNDERVALUED: Is it possible that your fiance's comment was in response to something you said to him? (Example: "Grant, you bring up Lilly so often it makes me feel like you wish you had never met me ...")
It appears your fiance isn't particularly sensitive to your feelings and isn't likely to change. However, what troubles me more about your letter than the fact that Grant lacks tact and often refers to his late wife -- with whom he obviously had a lot of history -- is the fact that he puts you down and then blames you for reacting. If this is what you would tolerate in a husband, then you're a glutton for punishment.

His wife has been gone for 15 years and hes still that wrapped up in the relationship they had? I'm sorry but it sounds to me like he is looking for attention. He is still using the "poor me" not looking past his own grief or getting on with his own life because he can use it to his advantage. You need to let him go, Undervalued....stop showing him the attention he is craving from his wife's passing and let him find "himself" I'm sure losing his spouse was horrible but it sounds to me like hes being very, very selfish with using that to his advantage. Its been 15 years, let her rest!

Troubled in Jacksonville, N.C.

2008-02-23T19:24:00.000-08:00

DEAR ABBY: I have been dating a lovely woman, "Bethany," for the past seven months. I'm 30 and Bethany is 29. She's a teacher, and I work in health care. We met online, then talked on the phone and eventually decided to meet.
Abby, I was attracted to her from the moment I saw her. Over these past months I have bonded with Bethany's family and have fallen in love with her. I would like nothing more than to make her my wife. I haven't asked her yet, although we have joked about it.
Two nights ago we went to dinner, and the whole time something felt "off" to me. When we returned to Bethany's place, she informed me out of the blue that she would like to take a break from "us." She said she feels rushed into a new relationship without having closure from her previous one, which lasted six years and was difficult.
Before I became too upset, I got up off the couch and left. We haven't talked since, as I want to give her the "space" she has requested. I love Bethany, and I'm afraid I am going to lose her. How long should I go without making contact with her? -- TROUBLED IN JACKSONVILLE, N.C.

DEAR TROUBLED: Frankly, the person to reach out should be Bethany, but give her six weeks. If you haven't heard from her by then, when you do call, don't be surprised to hear that she and her former boyfriend have reconciled. When a woman says there was "no closure," it usually means she still has feelings for the person.
It is also possible that she finds "difficult" relationships more exciting than ones without drama. And if that's the case, then unless you, too, are looking for pain, you'll move on. You have my sympathy.

I'm curious as to how long the "past months" have been? 2 months? 6 months? 12 months? That makes a big difference. Anyways, if its only been a couple of months then yes, shes definetly still involved with her "former boyfriend" If its been longer then that, I'm sorry to tell ya, Troubled, shes just plain trying to blow you off. Better luck in your next relationship.

Canceled in Red Oak, Texas

2008-02-23T19:18:00.000-08:00

DEAR ABBY: Our granddaughter and her twin brother are turning 13. My husband and I wanted to celebrate this milestone birthday with a candlelight spaghetti dinner at our house that includes their boyfriend/girlfriend.
We planned to get out the china and silver and eat in the formal dining room. Our daughter was on board, and the kids were excited.
Our daughter's former in-laws, however, threw a fit about the children being "too young to date."
Obviously, we'll honor our ex-son-in-law's wishes, but we're terribly disappointed, as are the kids. Since when is dinner at home with your grandparents and your boyfriend and girlfriend considered a date? Or are we out of touch with reality? -- CANCELED IN RED OAK, TEXAS

DEAR CANCELED: The deal-killer may have been the "candlelight" aspect of the dinner, because in some people's minds candlelight connotes "romance." I can't blame your ex-son-in-law and his parents for wanting to keep the twins cocooned in their concept of childhood for as long as they can, but it's a losing battle.
If memory serves me, seventh grade (12 or 13) is when boys and girls begin noticing each other -- if not before -- and while they are too young to "date," I hardly consider dinner at the grandparents as dating. Although it may not have been the custom in your son-in-law's family, age 13 or 14 is when many young people begin going to supervised parties/dances, although they do it in groups.

I agree with the Dad and the In Laws.....A candlelight dinner for 13 year olds is almost kinda creepy. If you want to do something special for them take them to the roller skating rink and buy them a pizza....thats what 13 year olds should be doing.

Ashley in Cleveland

2008-02-18T20:29:00.000-08:00

DEAR ABBY: I'm an 18-year-old girl. Romantic relationships have never meant much to me. It's fun to have someone to go to art galleries and coffee shops with, and to make out with in my car, but I don't have a need to tie myself down. I have had a lot of nice "flings" during high school, but it was high school, and it's time to move on.
My best friend of 11 years, "Mick," happens to be a boy. We decided in middle school that our relationship would be strictly platonic. Last night, Mick kissed me and told me he is in love with me. I don't feel the same. I'm not physically attracted to him. I tried to be nice and told Mick it would ruin our friendship, but he disagrees.
With any other guy, rejection is easy. But this is my best friend. Mick has low self-esteem when it comes to girls. If I say I'm not attracted to him, it'll hurt his feelings.
I feel stuck and angry. I told Mick the truth about how I felt a long time ago. Do I have to be mean to get my point across? Here's how I honestly feel: I love hanging out with him, but I find him repulsive-looking, and if he kisses me again he's getting slapped. I've never been mad at him before. Can you please help me? -- "ASHLEY" IN CLEVELAND

DEAR "ASHLEY": According to the letters I have received from men, most would prefer to be told the truth rather than be left hoping and dangling. You and Mick have different objectives. He wants romance; you want only friendship. It's time for you both to widen your circle of friends.
It isn't necessary to tell Mick that he's "repulsive" or that the next time he makes a move on you, you'll deck him. However, the sooner you tell him plainly that you consider him your best friend -- but nothing more -- and the "chemistry" isn't there for you, the better off you'll both be. Believe me, it's a lot kinder than stringing him along for company.

Something about your letter struck me as kinda odd, Ashley. Romantic relationships have never meant that much to you? You like making out with guys in the backseat of a car, but you don't want to tie yourself down? Alright, I'm not a professional but those statements, especially together don't make much sense to me. And add to that your "repulsed by a kiss from a guy" Are you gay? Or maybe just angry at the male race? I think you need to do some soul searching and don't be so hard on poor Mick, hes just trying to be honest with you and I think your having a hard time with it because your not being honest with yourself.

Wondering in Puyallup, Wash.

2008-02-18T20:23:00.000-08:00

DEAR ABBY: There seems to be an awful lot of women exposing themselves on the Internet in graphic sexual fashion. My wife says that men degrade themselves by looking at them.
My question to you is, what is more degrading? Looking at them, or women exposing themselves? -- WONDERING IN PUYALLUP, WASH.

DEAR WONDERING: For a woman to post graphic sexual images for people she doesn't know to view strikes me as more degrading because it indicates that she thinks she has little else to offer.
However, for a married man to view those images could also be considered degrading -- and threatening -- to his wife. Many women have written to me because their husbands spend more time looking at porn on the Internet than having a sex life in their own bedroom. In other words, the practice became an addiction.

This one made me laugh! Anyways, Wondering....it is not "degrading" for a man to look at such content, that is called human nature. Should you do it if your partner doesn't like it? Hell no!
Is it degrading to the woman that put the stuff on the internet? Well the way you worded it "graphic sexual fashion" it sounds like a desease I definetely wouldn't post on the internet!
......still laughing

At a Loss in Missouri

2008-02-16T20:01:00.000-08:00

DEAR ABBY: My 6-year-old nephew, "Andy," is destructive. He lies constantly and frequently steals small items.
I offered to assist my sister, "Mary," by baby-sitting Andy when she began working again after her divorce became final. Day-care is extremely expensive, and I doubted she could afford it. This was over a year ago, and the problems started right away.
After the most recent occurrence, I finally went ballistic even though the items Andy stole cost only 33 cents. I have had it! When Andy is confronted, he always says someone else did it (I have children of my own), that someone gave it to him (which has never been the case), "it was an accident" or "it was already like that" (half the time either my husband or I had seen him break the item). Andy has never admitted what he has done or said he was sorry.
I finally informed Mary that I'm no longer available to watch her son due to his outrageous behavior, and I never want him in my house again. I haven't spoken to my sister in months. I see no future for Andy except prison. Is there a program for someone like him to prevent that in the future? -- AT A LOSS IN MISSOURI

DEAR AT A LOSS: Your nephew is a very angry little boy. Not only has Andy lost his father, but his mother has gone from being a full-time mommy into the workforce while he was left in a household where he is no longer the center of attention. In addition, he may also have some emotional problems or learning disabilities.
Giving your sister the silent treatment isn't the answer. Her son should be evaluated by a mental health professional, and the place to start is by asking the boy's pediatrician for a referral. Please urge her to do it ASAP.

Ok...sheesh! Abby, did you not read the part that At a Loss said her sister is not talking to her? And your advice was to tell her to get her son a mental health evaluation?? That conversation should go over well, huh?
Alright At a Loss...your nephew is only 6, the prison talk is a bit preconceived. The child obviously needs help and by you just turning your back on him says to me that your not being the loving Aunt you should be. You say you have children yourself, so you should know firsthand that if someone comes to you with these types of assumptions, your natural reaction is going to be to defend your child. Which in my opinion is exactly what your sister did. You need to set aside the anger and the hurt and focus on your nephew, focus on what it is going to take to make him better. If you can do that in a more civil matter then telling your sister her child is prison bound, you will get a much better response.
P.S and telling your sister her child is never welcomed into your house again shows quite a bit of imaturity and insensitivity from you. I feel very, very sorry for that poor boy if he knows that is how Aunty feels about him.

Had it with the Sound Track

2008-02-16T19:55:00.000-08:00

DEAR ABBY: I work at a university, in an office that caters to student needs. Therefore, there is constant traffic consisting of students, faculty and staff.
I share space with a 22-year-old administrative assistant, and our office is flooded with music throughout the day. I realize that some people "need" noise, but I am not one of them. It's challenging to meet and advise students in this semi-private environment while music is blaring, and even daily tasks and phone calls are an issue. On occasion, the selections are inappropriate for the office.
She is a nice girl, but how do I approach her and/or my supervisor without sounding like a tattletale or a complainer? -- HAD IT WITH THE SOUND TRACK

DEAR HAD IT: If you haven't already done so, talk with the young woman and explain that while some people love music while they work, others are distracted by it and find it difficult to function, and you fall into that category. If she's unwilling to cooperate after that, then perhaps your supervisor can help her see the light.

Why are you so worried about her feelings when she obviously doesn't care about the atmosphere you are working in? Sounds pretty selfish to me. Shut the shit off.

Ambivalent in Yaphank, NY

2008-02-16T19:44:00.000-08:00

DEAR ABBY: I have been seeing "Dawn" for a year and a half. Early in our relationship she cheated on me. I love Dawn more than I have loved anyone before, but I can't bring myself to completely trust her.
She wants to move in with me now. My heart and my brain are telling me two different things. What do I do? -- AMBIVALENT IN YAPHANK, N.Y.

DEAR AMBIVALENT: Listen to the organ that thinks.

Such an original answer, Abby and not enough info, Ambivalent. How early was the affair? How is your relationship now? How old are you both? Maturity plays a big role in a relationship. Last but not least....your relationship with her is never going to work until you forgive her, which based on your letter, you have not.

Terrified for my Sister

2008-02-16T19:38:00.000-08:00

DEAR ABBY: I am a 14-year-old girl. Lately I have been dealing with overwhelming feelings of sadness and depression. Just recently I found out that my sister's ex had physically abused her and her daughter. When my sister told me, she made me swear I wouldn't tell our parents. Not only do our parents not know, but she refuses to take it to court or to report it. When I confronted her, she told me she would rather put it behind her and forget about it.
I don't understand how she can let this man get away with what he did.
I don't know who to turn to. If I tell my parents, my sister will never trust me again. But if I don't tell, he might come back and hurt them. Please tell me what to do. -- TERRIFIED FOR MY SISTER

DEAR TERRIFIED: Your sister, like many victims of domestic violence, may blame herself for what happened to her and feel too embarrassed to report it. It is also not uncommon for men who beat up their partners to also abuse their children.
For her daughter's sake, the crime(s) should have been reported when they occurred and there was solid proof. However, because she didn't do that, I can only hope that she will keep the child away from her father -- who obviously hasn't enough impulse control to safely act as a responsible parent.
Some secrets are meant to be kept, but this isn't one of them. There is no reason you should carry this burden alone. Tell your parents and don't feel guilty about it. I have been advised that depression is anger turned inward. You are sad because you feel helpless to do anything about your sister's circumstances. Once your parents know what happened, they can help your sister ensure her safety and that of her daughter.

Run, don't walk to your parents, Terrified. Your sister my initially be mad but trust me when this is all done and said she will be happy that you stepped in and helped her, she will realize you did it out of love and she will be thankful you helped her out of that abusive situation. Best of luck to you.

Conflicted in Wisconsin

2008-02-11T21:33:00.000-08:00

DEAR ABBY: I'm a 14-year-old girl and an only child. My parents, "Ellie" and "Miles," are divorced. My dad, a recovering alcoholic, relapsed last year.
Abby, I am desperate. When Miles drinks even the slightest amount, he smashes plates and mirrors, pounds his fists into doors and grabs me roughly. I'm deeply afraid that when he is very intoxicated he may one day seriously injure me. Miles is also severely depressed, so I'm constantly on "suicide watch."
Even though I attend a local Alateen chapter and am in therapy, my schoolwork is suffering, my relationships are floundering, and I'm depressed, isolated and overwhelmed. Part of me doesn't want to see my father anymore, but the other part feels extremely guilty and like I should just deal with everything on my own. Which part is right? -- CONFLICTED IN WISCONSIN

DEAR CONFLICTED: The part that's telling you to avoid your father until you're sure he's back on the wagon and no longer intimidating or violent. That little voice you're hearing is your instinct for survival.
Also, you should not be on "suicide watch." At 14, you do not have the tools to save your father from his self-destructive impulses. Under no circumstances should you be alone with him until he's dry again.
After the treatment you have experienced and the stress to which you have been subjected, it is not unusual to feel depressed, isolated and overwhelmed. That's why it is so important that you continue talking frankly with your therapist and Alateen group, where other members have had similar experiences and can relate.

Wow, very sad. Especially because you are only 14. None of this is your fault so you should not be feeling any guilt, nor should you just "deal with everything" What you need to do is show this letter to your Father then cover your eyes while I relay a very important message to him: You insensitive SOB, your ruining your daughters life. She was given to you because you chose to have children and your alcoholism was not her choice, for you to do this to her is beyond humane. Stop being so friggin selfish, check yourself back in and let your daughter have a running start, asshole. You have no right to call yourself a Dad until you do.
P.S. and Mom: re-read what your daughter wrote. If this is ok with you then you have no right to call yourself a Mom either.

Sara, in Salem, Ore

2008-02-11T21:27:00.000-08:00

DEAR ABBY: I have a close friend, "Ethel," about whom I'm very worried. She sees a therapist, "Amy," once a week for depression and suicidal thoughts, and while I think it's a wonderful idea, I'm concerned because she has become "friends" with her therapist.
This has gone as far as gift-giving, attending the therapist's wedding, etc. I always thought it was a breach of professional boundaries for a therapist to become friends with his or her patient.
I am the one who gets the 4 a.m. phone calls when Ethel is feeling like the world is ending for her. She says my son and I are the only reason she doesn't do something to herself. When I ask Ethel why she doesn't discuss this with Amy, or call her at 4 a.m., Ethel says she doesn't want to burden her with her problems. She also refers to her appointments as "visiting" with Amy and says that they have lovely talks about Amy's family, etc.
I'm a single mother with a full-time job, taking classes at the university for my MBA. I try to make as much time as I can for Ethel, but I'm worn out and worried about those 4 a.m. phone calls. After seeing this therapist for five years, wouldn't you think Ethel would at least be a little bit better? If anything, I think she's worse.
I have suggested that Ethel find another therapist, but all she says is that Amy is her friend. What else can I do? -- SARA IN SALEM, ORE.

DEAR SARA: It's apparent that Amy is no longer acting in the role of therapist. And because she has become a friend, Ethel doesn't want to impose upon her with her problems.
The next time Ethel calls you at 4 a.m., tell her that she is calling the wrong person. The things she is telling you are the very things that her therapist needs to know about in order to help her. If Ethel refuses, then tell her that what she needs is a therapist with a fresh approach. If Amy is truly her friend, Amy will understand that and give her a referral while maintaining their personal relationship.

Very good answer, Abby. You summed it up in the first paragraph of your answer.

Chocoholic in Norfolk

2008-02-10T22:12:00.000-08:00

DEAR ABBY: It has happened again! Every year I make my list of New Year's resolutions, and within two weeks I have broken my vow. My downfall is bingeing on sweets, so this year I resolved to swear off chocolate.
Last night I was feeling tired and depressed, and I "found" a large chocolate bar with almonds I had stashed at the back of one of the kitchen cupboards and ate the whole thing. I'm disgusted with myself.
Every year you print your list of New Year's resolutions. But now many people actually stick to them, and if so, now do they do it? Have you any tips? -- CHOCOHOLIC IN NORFOLK, VA.

DEAR CHOCOHOLIC: Please stop beating up on yourself. You're not the only person who has broken a New Year's resolution. The majority of people do it sooner or later.
I do have some suggestions for establishing healthier habit patterns, and I'm pleased to share them with you:
(1) Decide what you want to achieve, but be realistic in setting your goals.
(2) Get support from friends and family.
(3) If you're trying to eliminate a bad habit, then make a plan and substitute a good habit in its place.
(4) Understand that we can learn more from our mistakes than our successes. If you slip up, don't give up. Forgive yourself and then rededicate yourself.
(5) When you do well, don't take it for granted. Look in a mirror and praise yourself out loud. Affirmations provide strong reinforcement.
And last, but not least, remember that you're not a bad person for backsliding on a New Year's resolution. If people were perfect, there would be no need for a Dear Abby.

Ok and blah, blah, blah......I almost couldn' t get through Abbys response. REMOVE THE FRIGGIN CHOCOLATE! I mean if your addicted to smoking you stop buying cigarettes, right? If your addicted to alcohol you stop buying alcohol, correcto? I don't understand the addiction to chocolate but I presume it works the same way. You hid that big bar of chocolate and almonds for this occasion. You set yourself up for exactly what happened. You are not going to quit an addiction if you still have it in the house. Period, its that simple, don't need a PHD for that.

Fully Alive at 45

2008-02-09T22:00:00.000-08:00

DEAR ABBY: I am 45 years old and in great shape. I have always taken care of myself by watching what I eat and exercising on a daily basis. I take pride in my physical and mental health, and take steps every day to achieve my goals.
People often tell me I don't need to worry about my weight, etc. Actually, I look the way I do because I DO worry about my weight!
So why do these comments bother me? And why do people make these comments? -- FULLY ALIVE AT 45

DEAR FULLY ALIVE: The remarks bother you because they negate the fact that you work hard to be the person you are. And people make them because they fail to appreciate that being mentally and physically in tip-top condition takes discipline and is an ongoing process.

Woe is me, huh? If you really feel proud of the fact that you keep your body image up then this shouldn't even be a question, you should be proud when someone asks you this. But because you don't suggests you have a self-image problem and that is what you need to work on, not your body weight.

No Offense Intended

2008-02-08T22:36:00.000-08:00

DEAR ABBY: I have lived in my condo for three years. My across-the-hall neighbors moved in two years ago. To welcome them, I left a bottle of wine, some bread and a floral arrangement outside their door. I received a gracious thank-you note in return. Since then, we have talked in the hall, but socialized only rarely because I travel frequently for business.
I recently married a phenomenal man. He also travels extensively, so he has rarely seen our neighbors. When he moved his belongings into our condo, the neighbors popped over with a bottle of wine (they have a cellar) and a fruit basket. We thanked them profusely, but I handed the bottle of wine back, stating, "We don't drink, but maybe you could open it and think of us when you do."
What I didn't mention to the neighbors is the fact that my husband is a recovering alcoholic, 15 years and counting. Again, thanks were offered and I wrote a thank-you card that very night. While I was writing the card, my husband gently intimated that I may have committed a faux pas by returning the wine. He thinks we should have accepted it to be hospitable, then re-gifted it to someone else. What do you think? -- NO OFFENSE INTENDED IN N.Y.

DEAR NO OFFENSE INTENDED: What's done is done, so don't flog yourself. However, once a gift is received, it belongs to the recipient to do with as he or she wishes. And the "proper" thing to have done would have been to thank them warmly for their thoughtfulness -- and then re-gifted it to someone else.

Congrats to your husband for going through sobriety. However, this is another one of those letters that really doesn’t need to appear here. Accept the wine and joke behind their backs while you dump it down the toilet. Make them feel good while you keep your inside secrets, no harm done.

Couldn't Help Yourself

2008-02-08T22:34:00.000-08:00

DEAR ABBY: I'm a middle-aged man who has been married for 20 years. I own a duplex in a nice neighborhood. Last week, I put an ad in the paper and a 21-year-old woman came to look at the upstairs apartment. The problem is, I found her attractive and had sex with her downstairs while my wife was not home.
What should I do? -- COULDN'T HELP MYSELF IN NEW YORK

DEAR COULDN'T HELP YOURSELF: While you were checking the woman out, did you also check her references? If the answer is no, you should hasten to your doctor to be checked for every STD known to man and woman, because you not only had unprotected sex with a stranger, but with one who would ALSO have sex with a stranger.

Do you seriously expect us to think this is a real question? Either Abby didn’t have anything better to print and she made this question up or you are a complete moron. Abby, if you didn’t have anything better to print then you really need to stop watching Days of Our Lives. If this is a true question, moron……you have no regard to the woman race and you also have no friends, obviously or you wouldn’t be asking Dear Abby this question. You’re a pig. Simply put. I pity your poor wife.

Broken-Hearted

2008-02-08T22:24:00.000-08:00

DEAR ABBY: Is it possible for a wife of eight years to have a baby from another man and three "flings" after that, and still say she loves her husband? This is killing me. -- BROKEN-HEARTED IN WASHINGTON

DEAR BROKEN-HEARTED: It's possible, if the wife is a sex addict who can't control her behavior. More important is how you feel about her, because you would have to be a masochist to allow the situation to continue unless she gets some much-needed help.

This is killing you?? Your poor husband is who your killing. Get a grip and stop being so selfish. Pretty sure your picture is in the dictionary under the word “whore” You ought to be ashamed of yourself.

Searching

2008-02-08T22:22:00.000-08:00

DEAR ABBY: I am a young woman, happily in love with a young man, "Travis." We have been dating for more than two years and hope to become engaged. But we're unwilling to take the next step without the blessing of my parents, and for a number of reasons, they're not ready to see us become engaged at this time.
In the meantime, Trav and I are constantly confronted by people who are eager to see us tie the knot. I wish I had a dime for every person who has asked, "So, where's the ring?" or, "Why don't you just elope?" We used to try explaining that we're waiting for my parents' blessing (and for Travis to finish college), but nobody seems satisfied with our reasons for waiting. I respect my parents' opinion, and do not feel I must defend it to others.
Trav is uncomfortable with the questions, too. He thinks we should tell people we're "just friends," but I don't believe we should hide our relationship just because someone is nosy.
Being rude is not in my personality, so I need a polite way to tell people to mind their own business. -- SEARCHING FOR THE RIGHT WORDS

DEAR SEARCHING: Smile and say, "We'll set a date when we're ready, and we're not ready yet." Then change the subject.

I’m sorry, this letter was so boring I can’t even respond to it.

Used Up

2008-02-08T22:20:00.000-08:00

DEAR ABBY: A friend was diagnosed with cancer. A single woman living alone, she rallied a group of co-workers, friends and neighbors to donate their time to help her with a variety of tasks. These included driving her back and forth to chemo and doctor appointments, fixing meals, cleaning her house (she has OCD and was super-picky about every detail -- including cleaning the cat box), sleeping over to make sure she was OK (we had only a lumpy couch because she refused to set up a bed in one of her two vacant bedrooms!) and handling a variety of other tasks. I was one of the many who donated time, energy and vacation days from work to help her.
After her chemo treatments were over, she invited all of her "caregivers" to an inexpensive neighborhood restaurant for dinner as a thank-you gesture. At the end of the meal, everyone was asked to pay for our dinner and drinks! The restaurant bill came to around $250.
Abby, this woman holds a high-level, well-paying job and was receiving a regular paycheck during her illness. If not for the generosity of many people, she would have had to pay no less than $25 an hour for months of "personal care." I think she should have paid for our dinner as a small token of her gratitude. What's your opinion? -- USED UP IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR USED UP: My opinion is the same as yours. But look at it this way: She could have "invited you" to an expensive restaurant. Give her credit for being a talented organizer as well as an ingrate

Amazingly selfish people in this world. Yes, she should have paid for your dinners, guess you won’t let her pull the wool over your eyes next time, huh?

Confused

2008-02-08T22:17:00.000-08:00

DEAR ABBY: I am 19, going on 20. My boyfriend, "Alex," is 28. We have been together for about two years and are completely happy together.
The only problem is Alex says he never wants to get married or have kids -- ever. I have never pushed the issue, and I don't plan on marriage or kids for a long time. But am I wasting my time going with someone who doesn't want the same things as I do in the end? -- CONFUSED IN OHIO

DEAR CONFUSED: Yes.

You didn’t give this one much thought, huh Abby? Didn’t have anything better to run today? Ok, Dear confused….heres your real answer: No. Simply explained your boyfriend probably has reasons for feeling the way he does about marriage and having children, this will change as he ages and gets more mature. At his age he is still a boy wanting to play Xbox and stuff….he’ll grow out of that eventually. What you need to ask yourself is how long you will wait for him to grow up. Best of luck to ya.

Saying No

2008-02-08T22:15:00.000-08:00

DEAR ABBY’S ALTER EGO
I am not licensed in anything, I’m just a normal human being that feels bringing some humor and another prospective to view would lighten this never ending worried, hurt, angry world.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a 14-year-old guy in high school. Two of my best friends have started smoking pot before school every morning. They have asked me to join them and "do it just once." I have tried over and over to get them to stop. They say things like, "It's the best feeling in the world," and "It doesn't hurt you at all."
I know for a fact that what they're saying isn't true. But I don't want to lose them as friends. What should I do? -- JUST SAYING NO IN MONTROSE, COLO.

DEAR SAYING NO: I have news for your friends. Smoking pot may seem like it's the "best feeling in the world," and "it won't hurt them at all," but walking into class stoned can be fatal when it comes to paying attention, retaining information and earning passing grades.
Smoking marijuana on a daily basis is the definition of addiction. If used frequently, it has been known to cause users to lose their initiative. ("Why bother to try?") Not only should you not join them, you should quietly inform a responsible adult about what's going on. What your friends are doing is illegal, and their "harmless habit" could prevent them from earning a high school diploma.

Are you kidding, Abby? Did you not smoke pot when you where young? Come on…..your not fooling us. Ok, Just saying no….heres what you need to do: I admire you for not wanting to smoke pot before school, your letter leads me to believe that you have done it at other times though. Clearly you know how messed up you get from smoking it, hence the reason you don’t want to do it before school. No problem…..simply tell your friends NO, say it like you mean it and tell them to stop hassling you about it, its that simple. Stand tall and speak like you mean it, if they make fun of you then they weren’t your friends to begin with, so screw them. Good head on your shoulders, Just saying no.