DEAR ABBY: I'm being married in a few weeks -- my third marriage, his first. We live together and keep our finances separate, which works for us. We intend to keep things that way after the wedding.
My problem is I want to keep my maiden name, and my fiance wants me to adopt his. Having been divorced twice, I speak from experience when I say what a pain it is to change one's name on checking accounts, credit cards, etc. I love my fiance and believe he's the man I'll grow old with, but I would like to keep my name.
Am I being selfish, or have you any thoughts as to how I can keep "me" on paper and still make my future husband happy? -- HAD IT WITH ALIASES IN NORTH CAROLINA
DEAR HAD IT: Believe me, I do sympathize with your dilemma. However, I have a question: Which is more important to you -- the hassle you'll go through one more time, or your fiance's feelings? Let the answer be your guide.
Your sentence "how do I keep "me" on paper and still make my future husband happy?" Sums it up for me........Your not going to be "me" anymore once you marry him, your going to be "us" as in husband and wife. You really might want to rethink what you are doing!
Saturday, February 14, 2009
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
Gentle Giant
DEAR ABBY: I'm 6 feet 2 inches, weigh 240 pounds and can bench-press 400 pounds. I practice martial arts and shoot firearms for recreation and competition on weekends. I generally keep my social life to myself unless I am specifically asked because people have made jokes at my expense in the past.
I have worked for the same company for 10 years, and have not only mastered every aspect of my job but also trained most of my co-workers and their supervisors.
Recently, a supervisor's position opened up, and many thought I was going to get it. A friend was hired instead. He apologized to me, then told me about things that had been said about me behind my back. Apparently, I'll never become a supervisor because "people don't respect me; they fear me." Also, they are "afraid I'll lose it and kill everyone."
I have no idea what to say or do with this information. I can't change who I am, and I can't change the way others see me after all this time. What would you suggest I do to get myself promoted? -- GENTLE GIANT IN FLORIDA
DEAR GENTLE GIANT: It is important that you find out whether what your friend told you is true. While your physique may be imposing, after 10 years at the company your co-workers should be familiar enough with your temperament to know that you do not pose a threat of "losing it."
Ask your employer why you were passed up for the promotion and if it's true that you have advanced as far as you can with the company. If the answer is yes, then you should look for a job with more opportunity for advancement elsewhere.
I don't agree with Abby's answer at all. Clearly if you have been there 10 years and your coworkers don't respect you and they fear you, it is because of something YOU are doing. My suggestion to you is that you need to reevaluate how you are treating and talking to your coworkers, whether you want to believe it or not it sounds like your being very intimidating!
I have worked for the same company for 10 years, and have not only mastered every aspect of my job but also trained most of my co-workers and their supervisors.
Recently, a supervisor's position opened up, and many thought I was going to get it. A friend was hired instead. He apologized to me, then told me about things that had been said about me behind my back. Apparently, I'll never become a supervisor because "people don't respect me; they fear me." Also, they are "afraid I'll lose it and kill everyone."
I have no idea what to say or do with this information. I can't change who I am, and I can't change the way others see me after all this time. What would you suggest I do to get myself promoted? -- GENTLE GIANT IN FLORIDA
DEAR GENTLE GIANT: It is important that you find out whether what your friend told you is true. While your physique may be imposing, after 10 years at the company your co-workers should be familiar enough with your temperament to know that you do not pose a threat of "losing it."
Ask your employer why you were passed up for the promotion and if it's true that you have advanced as far as you can with the company. If the answer is yes, then you should look for a job with more opportunity for advancement elsewhere.
I don't agree with Abby's answer at all. Clearly if you have been there 10 years and your coworkers don't respect you and they fear you, it is because of something YOU are doing. My suggestion to you is that you need to reevaluate how you are treating and talking to your coworkers, whether you want to believe it or not it sounds like your being very intimidating!
Thursday, October 30, 2008
The Friendships Back?
DEAR ABBY: My friend, "Steven," and I have known each other 10 years. He and I have seen each other through many good times, and a few bad ones.
Most recently, Steven was in a relationship with a woman who couldn't stand the thought of his having female friends. So, for the last 18 months, the only contact I have had with him was via e-mail -- and that was very seldom.
Steven recently e-mailed me saying he had broken up with this insecure woman. He expressed how sorry he was for the limited contact, and said he would like for us to rebuild our friendship. I'm thrilled to finally have my friend back, but I also feel somewhat resentful toward him for his having discarded me.
Abby, I missed Steven. But how can I be his pal again when I am still hurt by his blatant disregard for our friendship and my feelings over the past year and a half? -- UNCERTAIN IN LONG BEACH
DEAR UNCERTAIN: The surest way to put this unhappy chapter in your relationship behind you would be to tell your friend how hurt you were, how abandoned you felt, talk it through and listen to what he has to say. Frankly, no one can blame you for feeling as you do. You were cut off through no fault of your own. And only time will tell if Steven has learned his lesson, so it won't happen again.
Come on.....he was in a possessive relationship, give the guy a break. Hopefully he learned from it, give him the benefit of the doubt and just be happy you have your friend back.
Most recently, Steven was in a relationship with a woman who couldn't stand the thought of his having female friends. So, for the last 18 months, the only contact I have had with him was via e-mail -- and that was very seldom.
Steven recently e-mailed me saying he had broken up with this insecure woman. He expressed how sorry he was for the limited contact, and said he would like for us to rebuild our friendship. I'm thrilled to finally have my friend back, but I also feel somewhat resentful toward him for his having discarded me.
Abby, I missed Steven. But how can I be his pal again when I am still hurt by his blatant disregard for our friendship and my feelings over the past year and a half? -- UNCERTAIN IN LONG BEACH
DEAR UNCERTAIN: The surest way to put this unhappy chapter in your relationship behind you would be to tell your friend how hurt you were, how abandoned you felt, talk it through and listen to what he has to say. Frankly, no one can blame you for feeling as you do. You were cut off through no fault of your own. And only time will tell if Steven has learned his lesson, so it won't happen again.
Come on.....he was in a possessive relationship, give the guy a break. Hopefully he learned from it, give him the benefit of the doubt and just be happy you have your friend back.
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Halloween Drama Moma
DEAR ABBY: Please help me. I wasn't sure how to handle an uncomfortable situation last Halloween, and your answer will help me be better prepared this year.
I took my 4-year-old daughter and 2-year-old niece trick-or-treating. We only walk up walkways that are well-lit. As we approached one house, an older gentleman was waiting at the open door, handing out candy to the kids.
Before I could process what was happening, he whipped out a camera and took a picture of my daughter and niece. I was not comfortable with it at all. But what could I have possibly done or said without being rude? Our neighborhood is a safe area, but in this day and age you can trust no one.
Do you think it was inappropriate for an older man to take pictures of someone's children? What would be the proper way to handle it this year? -- HALLOWEEN ESCORT, SAN DIEGO
DEAR ESCORT: While I admire your vigilance as a parent, if the children were wearing cute costumes, I don't think it was inappropriate for the gentleman to want to take their picture. Of course, it would have been better had this neighbor first asked permission. But since he didn't, and it made you uncomfortable, avoid his house this year and in the future.
I think you have a thing against "older gentlemen" as you kept referring to in your letter to Dear Abby. I highly doubt the old man was taking pictures to post them on the internet for sexual purposes when the kids are hidden in complete Halloween costumes! Theres nothing wrong with being cautious but you are taking it overboard!
I took my 4-year-old daughter and 2-year-old niece trick-or-treating. We only walk up walkways that are well-lit. As we approached one house, an older gentleman was waiting at the open door, handing out candy to the kids.
Before I could process what was happening, he whipped out a camera and took a picture of my daughter and niece. I was not comfortable with it at all. But what could I have possibly done or said without being rude? Our neighborhood is a safe area, but in this day and age you can trust no one.
Do you think it was inappropriate for an older man to take pictures of someone's children? What would be the proper way to handle it this year? -- HALLOWEEN ESCORT, SAN DIEGO
DEAR ESCORT: While I admire your vigilance as a parent, if the children were wearing cute costumes, I don't think it was inappropriate for the gentleman to want to take their picture. Of course, it would have been better had this neighbor first asked permission. But since he didn't, and it made you uncomfortable, avoid his house this year and in the future.
I think you have a thing against "older gentlemen" as you kept referring to in your letter to Dear Abby. I highly doubt the old man was taking pictures to post them on the internet for sexual purposes when the kids are hidden in complete Halloween costumes! Theres nothing wrong with being cautious but you are taking it overboard!
Thursday, October 23, 2008
The Man Needs Some Underwear!
DEAR ABBY: I am in my 70s, on Social Security and in my second marriage. My wife, "Irene," is in her early 50s and holds a good job. She also holds the purse strings, and allows me $5 a week for coffee with my friends. I drive a little scooter, and Irene has given me a gas credit card so I can get around.
Last week, I told her that I need some underwear and asked her for her store credit card. She said she has a drawer full of nylon panties and that I should wear them instead. She said when they are worn out she will buy me some new men's underwear. She also said she didn't want to waste any money on me since the panties are still wearable.
What if someone finds out? Irene says that since I'm over 70 it doesn't matter. Do you think this is right? -- PREFERS BRIEFS
DEAR PREFERS BRIEFS: No, I do not think it is right. Regardless of your age, your feelings matter a great deal. You should wear underwear in which you feel comfortable without having to worry about anyone "finding out."
Because your wife is so tight-fisted, please consider finding a part-time job so you will have spending money of your own. Your wife may be the wage earner in the family, but that doesn't mean she should be the only one "wearing the pants."
Oh my God......are you kidding me? You were way, WAY too soft on this one, Abby! The guy is 70 years old and is only asking for some underwear! You need to stand up to your Godzilla wife and tell her you need not only more then $5 a week for coffee but $10 for a couple of pairs of underwear! Take the nylon grannie panties she is offering you and throw them in the trash and tell them they are officially WORN OUT!
Last week, I told her that I need some underwear and asked her for her store credit card. She said she has a drawer full of nylon panties and that I should wear them instead. She said when they are worn out she will buy me some new men's underwear. She also said she didn't want to waste any money on me since the panties are still wearable.
What if someone finds out? Irene says that since I'm over 70 it doesn't matter. Do you think this is right? -- PREFERS BRIEFS
DEAR PREFERS BRIEFS: No, I do not think it is right. Regardless of your age, your feelings matter a great deal. You should wear underwear in which you feel comfortable without having to worry about anyone "finding out."
Because your wife is so tight-fisted, please consider finding a part-time job so you will have spending money of your own. Your wife may be the wage earner in the family, but that doesn't mean she should be the only one "wearing the pants."
Oh my God......are you kidding me? You were way, WAY too soft on this one, Abby! The guy is 70 years old and is only asking for some underwear! You need to stand up to your Godzilla wife and tell her you need not only more then $5 a week for coffee but $10 for a couple of pairs of underwear! Take the nylon grannie panties she is offering you and throw them in the trash and tell them they are officially WORN OUT!
Friday, October 10, 2008
Poor Me and My Ex
DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Nick," and I have been married five years. Two years ago, his 18-year-old son molested my 7-year-old daughter. It tore our family apart and we are going through a divorce.
Nick is an alcoholic and an enabler. He paid all his son's bills and even sent him money when he was in jail. My problem is, I still love my husband. However, I know that under the circumstances we would always have problems.
How can I make Nick understand that the drinking and taking care of his son after what he did is what really tore us apart? And how do I move forward? -- TRYING TO MOVE FORWARD
DEAR TRYING: If you haven't been able to make your husband understand what ended the marriage by now, you may never be able to. Until he dries out, nothing will sink in because he won't be able to retain the information.
You must move forward one step at a time with the full understanding that you are doing so in order to protect your little girl from her predatory former stepbrother. No one said it would be easy, but your child is depending on you. Her welfare must come first.
Believe me, I sympathize with you. But you are doing the right thing.
Why are you worried about making him see that it was his fault? The scumbag molested your daughter. That should be all you need to know. Your never going to reason with a drunk and by trying to only lessens you as a Mother to your poor daughter that lived through this. HOw do you move forward? Stop feeling sorry for yourself and for your ex and get pissed about what he did to your daughter!
Nick is an alcoholic and an enabler. He paid all his son's bills and even sent him money when he was in jail. My problem is, I still love my husband. However, I know that under the circumstances we would always have problems.
How can I make Nick understand that the drinking and taking care of his son after what he did is what really tore us apart? And how do I move forward? -- TRYING TO MOVE FORWARD
DEAR TRYING: If you haven't been able to make your husband understand what ended the marriage by now, you may never be able to. Until he dries out, nothing will sink in because he won't be able to retain the information.
You must move forward one step at a time with the full understanding that you are doing so in order to protect your little girl from her predatory former stepbrother. No one said it would be easy, but your child is depending on you. Her welfare must come first.
Believe me, I sympathize with you. But you are doing the right thing.
Why are you worried about making him see that it was his fault? The scumbag molested your daughter. That should be all you need to know. Your never going to reason with a drunk and by trying to only lessens you as a Mother to your poor daughter that lived through this. HOw do you move forward? Stop feeling sorry for yourself and for your ex and get pissed about what he did to your daughter!
Sunday, September 28, 2008
Not Another One.....
DEAR ABBY: I recently married "Matt," the man of my dreams. We want to have children someday. Although I love Matt, I do not love the other men in his family -- specifically his father and his brothers. I'm worried about the negative influence they may have on our children.
These people swear and make racist comments and jokes in front of their children. Matt has spoken to them about it in front of me, but it hasn't stopped them or altered the way they act.
I'm an adult. I understand that these people haven't had the same educational opportunities and positive parental guidance that I was fortunate enough to have, but I worry about the influence they may have on our children. I don't want to ruin my husband's relationship with his family, but if they won't cut out the comments, I don't see how I can allow them to be a part of our children's lives. Please help. -- DISTRESSED NEW WIFE IN VERMONT
DEAR NEW WIFE: I don't know how tied into this family your husband is, but it may not be possible to totally separate your children from their grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins -- unless you plan to move across the country. Obviously, you married the "pick of the litter."
Please keep in mind that every family has its own standards of what is acceptable and what isn't, and yours will be no exception. You will educate your children to a higher level, and reinforce the qualities you and your husband feel are important not only by modeling good behavior for them and praising them when they emulate it, but also by pointing out what is unacceptable and telling them why. It's a more effective way to teach children their values rather than isolating them.
Oh boy.....Ok, first of all let me comment on your "I do not love the other men in his life...specifically his Father and Brothers" WHAT other men in his life does he have?? A man has his father and brothers...Ok, maybe some friends but your referring to his whole support group here. Then you go on to say "I understand that these people haven't had the same educational opportunities and positive parental guidance that I was fortunate enough to have" ..........Wow! Thats a matter of opinion, lady. Just because you have an education does NOT mean you are smarter then those who don't. You may be book smart, but in my eyes you are reality DUMB!
You don't even have these children you and your husband are supposedly going to have and your already denying them their Grandfather and Uncles. You are clearly VERY naive. You can't stop other people from doing what they are going to do or saying what they are going to say, all you can do is teach your children the difference between right and wrong. Racism and swearing is everywhere in the world today and if your too educated for real life and all the wrong in this world then your best bet is to build yourself a cave when you get pregnant and plan on spending the next 18 years of your life in it!
And I'm still trying to figure out why you put the "I'm an adult" comment in your letter.....because you clearly don't sound like it!
These people swear and make racist comments and jokes in front of their children. Matt has spoken to them about it in front of me, but it hasn't stopped them or altered the way they act.
I'm an adult. I understand that these people haven't had the same educational opportunities and positive parental guidance that I was fortunate enough to have, but I worry about the influence they may have on our children. I don't want to ruin my husband's relationship with his family, but if they won't cut out the comments, I don't see how I can allow them to be a part of our children's lives. Please help. -- DISTRESSED NEW WIFE IN VERMONT
DEAR NEW WIFE: I don't know how tied into this family your husband is, but it may not be possible to totally separate your children from their grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins -- unless you plan to move across the country. Obviously, you married the "pick of the litter."
Please keep in mind that every family has its own standards of what is acceptable and what isn't, and yours will be no exception. You will educate your children to a higher level, and reinforce the qualities you and your husband feel are important not only by modeling good behavior for them and praising them when they emulate it, but also by pointing out what is unacceptable and telling them why. It's a more effective way to teach children their values rather than isolating them.
Oh boy.....Ok, first of all let me comment on your "I do not love the other men in his life...specifically his Father and Brothers" WHAT other men in his life does he have?? A man has his father and brothers...Ok, maybe some friends but your referring to his whole support group here. Then you go on to say "I understand that these people haven't had the same educational opportunities and positive parental guidance that I was fortunate enough to have" ..........Wow! Thats a matter of opinion, lady. Just because you have an education does NOT mean you are smarter then those who don't. You may be book smart, but in my eyes you are reality DUMB!
You don't even have these children you and your husband are supposedly going to have and your already denying them their Grandfather and Uncles. You are clearly VERY naive. You can't stop other people from doing what they are going to do or saying what they are going to say, all you can do is teach your children the difference between right and wrong. Racism and swearing is everywhere in the world today and if your too educated for real life and all the wrong in this world then your best bet is to build yourself a cave when you get pregnant and plan on spending the next 18 years of your life in it!
And I'm still trying to figure out why you put the "I'm an adult" comment in your letter.....because you clearly don't sound like it!
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